Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Did I pass up The Golden Opportunity?!...

...... or did I do the right thing by not responding to this "incredible" offer I received in my email Inbox yesterday?

I'm in portland tonight for business staying at the holiday inn and looking for company.. don't have time to email back and forth so if you'd like to talk.. call me at 604 XXX 5687*

But wait! ... there's more! Cuz I looked at his profile! (what?? :))

Marital Status? Married [bad]
Do you have children? Yes [very, very, VERY bad]
Interested in? Intimate encounter [ick (I've seen his picture which I was Oh So Tempted to post (really, nice wedding ring, btw, buddy!))]]


Let's read a little about him, shall we?!
I'm an attached man, that is passionate and very sensual. Looking for someone special that can provide a mistress type relationship, no strings attached. Looking for a mature woman that I can give my attention to and shower in gifts. [hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hooker?**]
And his idea of the perfect first date?!
you mean after we get the other stuff out of the way? I'd prefer to just go to bed and get that out of the way as well. [gee, how romantic!] Then order in sushi and sit and talk, get to know one another and rest on clean white sheets with a high thread count. Feeling like we're on holidays for ever.. no problems, just dreams and passion between the sheets.
So what do you think? Missed opportunity??! Yeah, didn't think so! I'd rather have to knit a sock (oh wait!)! ;)

*phone number changed to protect the idiot ... errr, I mean ... innocent!
** Sorry, that damn "Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes" song by David Bowie is stuck in my head! ARGHHHHHHHHHHH! (or should that be "A-A-A-A-ARGHHHHH"?? :))

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

I'm Sorry, New Orleans

I woke up this morning to learn that the flooding from Hurricane Katrina has 80% of you under water. 80%!! That's horrifying! You're such a beautiful city with such vibrancy, architecture and oh the amazing food!!!

And now so many of your residents have lost absolutely everything. Some even their lives. And you know me, Big Ole Softy, when it comes to the animals. Hell, I keep tearing up thinking that right now as I write this there are so many animals that are dead, hurt, and roaming scared and abandoned. Right now. Breaks my heart.

I did receive some good news today though. One of your residents, Barbie, who housed me and my sister when we went to visit you, is alive and well. Here are a couple of excerpts from her email:

well, new orleans is under water..i was able to pick up a local broadcast yesterday and the city has been devastated. apparently there is 15 feet of water downtown, people were being plucked from their roofs and attics..i saw some aerial footage and the city looks like a swamp..water was to the middle of the second story..

we are in baton rouge with my friend bert, so we are safe,no power but safe. it will probably be a week before i can get back to the city to assess damage. our apartment is on the second floor so i am hopeful. i really don't care about my possessions but what i do care about is there is basically nothing to return to. so, we are going to decide what we will do..

i am looking at this as a new adventure..a new chapter. nothing else you can do is there?

What a great attitude, right?

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I care. And I'm sending money in an effort to help the residents and to help their animals, as well as to help those in the surrounding areas. It isn't much ... but I'm hoping that every little bit counts.

With continued good thoughts,


Monday, August 29, 2005

Stitch N' Pitch?!

I love it!!! The Seattle Mariners baseball team had a Stitch N' Pitch event*! They expected about 200 knitters. They got 1600!!!!

Here's a link to an article in The Seattle Times!

Here's a good yarn: Knitting fans keep eye on the ball

*thanks to Ms C for the heads up on this article!

Not just sheets

Apparently Emma is not just fanatical about "helping" to make the bed ..... but putting new covers on sofas also needs her fine attention to detail. See?

"Okay, this needs some straightening right here."

"Tucking, right here. Tuck, Tuck, TUCK!"

"Man, this is exhausting work!"

"Okay, one final look and final tuck with back leg......"

"Perfect. You may leave now."

Sunday, August 28, 2005

This Just In ... We Have Sock!!!

That's right ..... WHOOO HOOOOO .... The Sock ... she is done! YAY!

SEE? Here's a pic of both my sock and T1's sock....

Look! They have heels and toes and ribbing for the cuff ... and no holes!!!! It's truly a miracle!!!!

But, but .... the even BIGGER miracle ...........are ya ready for this ..........THEY FIT!!! Holy COW, huh?!!!

(ah now ... stop with the applause ... you're making me blush!)

I was sooo excited at the end of class that I thought: "I am A Sock Genius! Master of All Socks! There is no sock I cannot conquer!"

And so I bought more sock yarn (look, isn't it pretty?) for the pair to knit after I finish Sock #2 - The Mate.

So I started immediately the knitting of Sock #2 which I figured would be a breeze what with me being the Sock Knitting Genius and all. Uhhhhh yeah. Can a person be any more wrong?!! I think not. "The Toothpick Hell of the Ribbing*" flashbacks started immediately!!! And now I'm thinking .... what's wrong with just one sock?? I mean, I'm single ... why can't my sock be??! :)

Darn** socks!!!

*The one ribbing, might I add, that is definitely not for her pleasure!!
** snicker, snicker!

Friday, August 26, 2005

Calling all hookers!

Craigslist just had too many to choose from last night. Here are a few for your amusement:

Calling All Hookers!!!

Why? WHY?!! What is it with men trying to bribe women to be with them? Is it a chauvinistic idea that women are "property" to be bought and sold? Or maybe the man is too scared or has too low self-esteem to think he can get and maintain a real relationship? What? ... Inquiring minds want to know! Cuz I just don't get it!! And women ... what are ya thinkin'?? You would NEVER be treated as an equal partner. Never.

I'm posting the text to only a couple of these. The others were similiar and the titles are pretty dang self-explanatory!

RAVE: sex with wealthy older men (SWM-45 for F 18-29)
Reply to:
Date: 2005-08-25, 12:00PM PDT

On top of the great sex, wealthy older men are more intelligent, more worldly, more interesting and much more willing to be more generous and financially helpful and supportive to attractive younger women who look after their needs. ["look after their needs"?? Wait, wait ... let me guess!!]

I'm in my early 40's, look mid 30's and date 21-30 year olds exclusively.

I'm worth several million dollars, have all the toys, love to travel and pamper and spoil my partner, and show her a great time. [HEY! I'm WORTH millions too! I don't HAVE millions ... but I'm WORTH millions, damnit!]

Any attractive younger women here looking for a great guy to satisfy ALL their needs....sexual, emotional, and financial??

If so, write me here.

If you don't like the post, save the energy complaining directly...I could care less... [geee, and you come across as just so dang sweet too]

Wealthy well known man looking for mistress - 30
Reply to:
Date: 2005-08-25, 9:17AM PDT

I am a wealthy, well recognizable man who just moved to portland. I'm looking for a very attractive female. I will provide a very nice apartment, a car and an expense account. In return, I expect you to be at my beckon call. ["beckon call"?? But doesn't "to beckon"="to call". Man, I'm confused!] Only serious replies please. This is a life style that is not for everyone. If you want to pursue this send me only your most recent pictures. They must be candid and real. Any glimpse of a fake pic will be ignored. [Do you mean "any post including a pic you think might be fake will be ignored"?? Or really that "you will ignore your glimpse at a fake pic"??. Cuz if so, I just don't get it!] After I decide to pursue you further we will meet at a near by coffee house to discuss the details and see if we mutually want to continue. I look forward to your reply. [don't hold your breath]

Any Beautiful Big-Breasted Women Need A Rich BoyFriend with LOTS of benefits
& Incredibly Generous $upport????? ( F-21-37)

Any Big-Breasted Beauty Need A Rich Hot Man & Generous $upport?

Rich Handsome Landlord Seeks Beautiful Sexy Romantic Tenant(F23-39)
Reply to:
Date: 2005-08-25, 10:20AM PDT

Any Beautiful Sexy Ladies Need A Very Nice House Of Their Own??
(I have my own home. This would be yours.)
I'm a wealthy single landlord with lots of property.
One of my nicest homes in a great area is available for the right woman for a very reasonable rent.
You might even say it was substantially below market.
Is "Free" a reasonable price??
I thought so.
There are lots of other benefits for this type of "Long Term Romantic Relationship" for the right woman too, if we click.
Need Wheels??
Got several to pick from...Choose from the convertible or the elegant luxury car, to one of the SUV's or the nice truck if you're picking something up.
Need Spending Money??
Not an issue. $500 a week walking around money enough??
Need money to shop??
Like to keep your wardrobe nice??
Here, have a new credit card.
$1000 a month work for you?? [wait. Only $1000 a month on cc but $500 per week in cash. Gee, if you were REALLY generous you'd be offering up a bit more on the ole credit card there, buddy]
Need some new things for the house.
Not a problem.
Just show me what you'd like.
Utilities.....not to worry, they're all paid for.
Are you VERY attractive, single and available too??
I will even consider a very attractive single mom??
I'm a single dad too. [great. Nice to know more children will grow up with your f'd up image of women and relationships]
Does your child need a good private school and special classes to help them fluorish and other special things to help them have a wonderful life??
It's something we could talk about.
I'm looking for one special, very attractive woman who needs, wants and deserves the best that life has to offer.
That's of the best things that life could ever offer. [HAHAHAHAHA. Uh yeah.]
I have all of the above for you and much much more, if we click.

Send a recent clear pic in response to this ad for consideration, and some information on what you're all about.

I'm real.
You be real too.
One woman man, looking for one man woman.

Be intelligent, attractive, shapely, warm, sexy and willing to care for my simple needs [geee, what ever could he mean??] while I care for you and yours.
No games, and no players.
The usual non's please.
No BBW's, drunks, druggies, or STD's.
Oh yeah....and no smokers...sorry, can't stand it.

Other faves:

Gurls are purdy! - 26
Reply to:
Date: 2005-08-25, 8:58AM PDT

I'm successful (read: 6-fig salary), talented, intellegent, and a tad arrogant. [ah, ya know I can't pass up those ironic misspellings. LOVE THEM, Mr Intellegent!!! ]

I'm looking for: A girl (duh!). Age, height, weight, and looks are not nearly as important as your mind.


Your pic gets mine, but your response is more important.

how about YOU take ME out tonight! - 21 (Beaverton) [geee, can I??]

I'll Treat You Bad, And You'll Love It - 45 (NW) [Loser ... move along!]

GOD I'M GOOD LOOKING! (I could be in your life!) [Whoo hoo!!! Uh ... NO!]

are you drop dead gorgeous?

Reply to:
Date: 2005-08-25, 3:37PM PDT

lets face it, beautiful people don't have to work so hard. the world unfolds around them. you tell a half way decent joke and everyone falls out of their chairs laughing at you. or, they are suprised when you complete an intelligent sentence. i am not sure where this ad is going, but thats ok. i am beautiful so i don't have to make sense. [hello?]

now watch how easy being beautiful is. send me your picture. see, it works.

if you are really that beautiful, i will respond. and if you aren't drop dead gorgeous, i won't reply. then you can say that you learned something today. [gee, aren't you special]

Thursday, August 25, 2005

My New Favorite Quote

"Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder"*

*I actually have to thank Craigslist for this one!

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Time for a knitting intervention

Folks, it's official. If you ever hear of me knitting boobs it is time to stage A Knitting Intervention. What's that? Yes, you heard me correctly. I said knitting BOOBS. B-O-O-B-S. Yes, as in "breasts".


I was just innocently surfing some free knitting patterns (what?) and stumbled across this pattern. Please note my favorite part:

"Block by dipping your boob in warm water and soap flakes, rinse and gently squeezing and shape."

(Yes, yes, what can I say?! .... often my sense of humor is on par with that of a 12 year olds!! ;))

Where's My Bone?

So I'm browsing a store during my lunch hour yesterday and spot a children's book titled "Where's My Bone?". A children's book. Now, y'all know me and the way my mind works ... there was just no way I was not taking a closer look at this. Cuz really ...hello?..."Where's My BONE?". That just ain't right.

And it isn't! See?

And did ya notice?!! ....It's by "Touch and Guess". SERIOUSLY! Look, here's a closeup!!!

"Where's My Bone"? "Touch and Guess"? Can it GET any better?? It CAN! Cuz wait! ... there's MORE! That was only the front cover!!!!

Let me post the last page for y'all.

Did ya catch that?* The little Pussy ... errr, I mean, Kitten .... finding The Bone under the blankets! And then complaining cuz she has a headache .... errr, I mean ... is trying to sleep! Uh HELLO.... there is NO WAY an adult wrote this innocently. Ain't no way. Nuh-uh. Because otherwise The Goldfish would have found the bone near her bowl. Or The Parrot in her cage. Or Professor Plum in the study. Something, ANYTHING other than the female Pussy Cat finding The Bone in the bed. Uh yeah.

And to think I was surprised when I got back from lunch and tried to find this book online so I could post pictures from there. But nope ... couldn't find this book listed on the two major respectable sites I looked ( and Surprise, surprise, right??! So now I own it! Yep, that's right ... couldn't pass it up. Besides, I need a gift for a one year old's birthday this weekend! ;) (what?! Is that a problem??! ;))

*in case the pic didn't load for you .... Miss Kitten says "What's this lumpy thing under my blanket? I'm trying to sleep!" and Mr Puppy responded (happily, might I add) "Hurray. You've found my bone!". Uh yeah.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Thou Shalt Kill??

Forgive me if I am wrong .... I've not been to church in a loooooooong time ..... but wasn't one of the 10 commandments: "Thou Shalt NOT Kill"?? It was, right?? At what point did they drop the "not" from that commandment? Because I missed the memo on that one if they did.

But apparently Pat Robertson ... of the "Conservative CHRISTIAN broadcaster" Pat Robertson ... got the memo. Because I just spotted this news article. See?

Pat Robertson: 'Take out' president of Venezuela

Some excerpts from this CNN article:

Conservative Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson has called for the United States to assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, calling him "a terrific danger" bent on exporting Communism and Islamic extremism across the Americas. Robertson called Chavez "a dangerous enemy to our south, controlling a huge pool of oil, that could hurt us badly."
"We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability," Robertson said. "We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with."

Really ... I need to get back to church to get the updated version of the commandments. Cuz maybe that whole coveting and adultery thing are A-Okay now too and how sweet would that be?? ;)

Knitting Update

Hat Attempt #2

Okay, so y'all remember the Yamika .... errr, I mean Hat Attempt #1, right?! If not, here's a pic of it to remind you:

Uh yeah.

So I finally decided to give knitting a hat another try (no, I don't know why).
I used the same pattern, same number of stitches (42), same number of rows (20), same size needles (11) but used a different yarn (per T1's suggestion) and tried to knit it a bit more loosely. Not a LOT more loosely, mind you .... just made sure not to tug it snugly as I tend to do when knitting normally.

The result*: (insert drum roll here)

WTF, PEOPLE??!!! SERIOUSLY! How, How, HOW is it this THIS huge?! I'm cursed, folks! Cursed when it comes to knitting The Hats.


The Sock Update

But the good news is .... I turned the heel on The Sock! Whoo hooo! Now, it won't be winning any "Best Of" awards I realize .... but there is actual HOPE now that it may BE a sock when I am finished. (knock on wood).

And thanks to T1 for requesting the pic on yesterday's comments. Of course, don't think I don't realize she did so with The Mocking. That's because she's vying for Teacher's Pet and actually FINISHED her sock ... even though our final class in which we are to learn how to do the toe is not til next Saturday. But no, no ...... she went ahead and finished it! Curses to you, Ms ShowOff. Curses! (There's always gotta be ONE in the class, doesn't there?!). Sigh. ;)

*don't think I don't know I look like a thug in this. Hatin' the picture but only posting it outta love for all y'all so you can see The Hat#2. That's right ... brownie points to me. (ooh, "brownie"? Hmmm, maybe just Brownie to me ... and y'all can keep The Points!! :))

Monday, August 22, 2005

And this little piggy went to the CS dept

So I'm sitting at my desk at work, minding my own business (a.k.a surfing the web ... whatever), when the guys from the customer support department ring me and say:

"Just wanted you to be the first to know that we just refilled the candy dish in here."

Uh, hello? Does anything quite scream "Ms Piggy" the way that phone call does???!!!

No, I didn't think so.


So, of course, I had to go see what they had. I didn't want to be rude afterall!!! ;) (oh fyi: mini-tootsie rolls. MMMMM)

A Happy Family?

So I'm browsing a toy store yesterday with Buck* when a toy box labeled "Happy Family" caught my eye. What's this, I ask? Is there really a toy manufacturer out there with the audacity to define what a "happy family" should be for the masses?? And does their definition really consist of only a man, a woman and a baby as it appears to?? But ... but .... a "happy family" can be made of oh so many things! How dare they!!!!

So I clambered down off my high horse to take a closer look. Turns out I was wrong. Apparently, this toy manufacturer defines a "happy family" to be a woman, some baby toys, a purse ... and a cardboard cutout of a man! That's right .... no baby ...and a cardboard cutout of a man!!! I just had to laugh.

Now if only they had tossed in a few cats and made sure her purse opened to reveal credit cards and skeins upon skeins of yarn ...I just might have had to purchase it!!! :)

*Thanks to Buck and his handy-dandy camera phone for being able to snap this picture for me. Because y'all know I do have that new itty-bitty camera that I LoveLoveLove and could fit oh so easily into any pocket. Note to self though: must actually carry camera WITH ME to use it. Sigh.

Friday, August 19, 2005

I'm Calling the Police

Okay, lock the doors ... nobody is leaving. Someone stole The Funny and I want it back, damn it!


But instead, I offer up The Creepy.

Just received this email from a new Internet Guy:


So what do you think is UP with the sudden change to all caps?! Bizarre, right?! Kinda lends a "I'm freaking out" kinda feel to the email, don't ya think?!

So I clicked on his profile. What?! Why OF COURSE I did. Can't immediately delete when there could be Blog-Fodder to be had!! :)

And here is his ideal First Date scenario: (and for the record I have changed his use of the three letter word that starts with a "c" and ends with an "m" and rhymes with "sum" and replaced it with the phrase "The Big O". Just because!)

Just to find out more about the person what we have in common and maybe more if sparks happens. Sex is good but with feeling involved there is not a better felling then that. Other wise sex is just sex. don't get me wrong i like sex, and i haven't met a lady that i cant make The Big 'O' in less then 4 mins yet after i learned a trick or two over in Japan. prove me wrong if you would like. i will prove to you I can make an ice burg lady The Big 'O'. Lol

Uh yeah. That "lol" at the end is his too. Creepy, creepy, creepy. Plus that whole "4 minute" thing seems oddly familiar. Hmmmm.

"You've lost that lovin' felling,
Whoa that lovin' felling,
You've lost that lovin' felling,
Now it's gone ...gone ...gone ... whoa whoa whoa"

(sorry, couldn't resist. (Takes balls to mock someone else's spelling after the Koi/Coy incident, now doesn't it?! :)))

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Portland's Japanese Garden

So I went to Portland's Japanese Gardens yesterday for a tour with some folks. It was absolutely beau-ti-mous. Peaceful, beautiful, reflective .. the whole shebang. But nothing funny happened. Not one dang thing. No one fell. No one stuck their foot in their mouth. No Attack of the Killer Koi*. Nothing! Bupkus!

So I thought ... why surely some funny will happen today that I can write about. But alas ... I am just not seeing The Funny. I think I'm too exhausted. I was up til after 1am with a sick kitty and have to leave to take her to the vet in about an hour. (please think good CJ thoughts, everybody). So, if you're just looking for The Funny, folks, just move along .... cuz there ain't nothing to be seen here! :)

BUT ... if'n you might be interested in some pics of The Japanese Gardens ... why that I can do. Here you go..... (you can just click on the image to enlarge)

Oh, and I'll see if I can track down where The Funny went into hiding later.

*Damnit. Edited. See comments.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Sock Saga Update

Because I know y'all were on pins and needles just wondering how The Sock knitting was going ;) .... here's the latest pic (and yes, thankyouverymuch ... I have figured out The Camera Lighting):

Isn't it CUTE?! It has officially reached the minimum 6 inch requirement!! Whooo hooooooo! Of course, 6 inches?!! .... not nearly enough, now is it?! Nope! Ain't nothing wrong with another inch ... or two ... or three ... or??! (wait ... where was I? ... oh right, right ... we're talking about The Socks! Got sidetracked there for a minute! ;))

So. I am thinking I will knit it to 7. Then maybe start on the second one before class Saturday so I won't forget this first part by waiting to start the second sock 3 weeks from now! (sounds like a good plan, right? But will I actually DO that??! That remains to be seen!)

Cuz life's been busy-busy. Didn't even get a chance to really knit last night because after I got home around 9pm I decided to finish reading the first Harry Potter book (yes, hi! Cuz me ... the only person to have not read the HP series! Sad, I know. Y'all won't disown me, will ya?! After all, I AM working on rectifying that problem!! ;))

So that's the latest. I am conquering The Sock! I have conquered the first Harry Potter. Whoo hoooooooo! Though I am a little concerned because The Sock looks kinda small. And I don't know if that's just because I'm paranoid because of what happened with The Hat ..... or because it REALLY is! Plus ... The Heel starts this Saturday. (Note to self: buy helmet to protect head from repeated banging into wall in frustration!) Who knows ... maybe The Sock will only ever be The Mini Leg Warmer!!!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Laughlin Roundup

So, as promised, some pictures taken on the Laughlin Trip.

Here are some things I found odd:

When these folks say "Do Not Enter" ... they ain't joking!

Just HOW pissed off do you need to be to do this??

I spotted this while checking in at the hotel. Can anyone say "bachelor"?? (nice suitcase, buddy! Oh, and love that you had your underwear on top!!)

Prune Chili Spice? First off ... UGH! Secondly ... prunes AND chili ... is that not redundant??!

I wasn't joking about HotterThanHades.... here's the proof!:

We went to Lake Havasu one day. It was HotHotHotHotHOT!

Too hot to even set up your tent on the beach so these folks got creative.

And too hot to conduct business from anywhere but IN the water! Check out this guy. He kept making business phone call after business phone call. Never left the water the entire time we were there!!

Oh, and here's a tidbit for y'all with regard to sand in HotterThanHades weather. Are you ready?? ... okay, here it is ......" It's HOT". (in case you didn't know). So uh yeah ... when you walk across the beach in your sandals to stick your bare feet in the water and then decide you don't want to put your wet sandy feet back INTO the sandals before walking back across the sand to the sidewalk ..... PUT YOUR WET SANDY FEET BACK INTO YOUR SANDALS! Just sayin'. Otherwise ... well, let's put it this way. Have any of you ever seen the movie "10" with Dudley Moore? Uh yeah. About 10 steps into it I realized what a LAME ASS idea it was and had to bail off for the sand in the shade of a palm tree! Right behind me ... my sister ...... screeching perhaps as loud as I was! Oh, and another tidbit for ya .... when you run the remainder of the way across the burning sand and leap with relief onto the sidewalk thinking you were safe then ..... WRONG! Ya know why?! Because the sidewalk is flippin' blistering too. Don't think it isn't. Sigh.

(good news was that my feet were dry and sandless (pretty sure all those sand granules just up and burned right off!) by the time I hit the sidewalk!! ;))


To those of you that LoveLoveLove that In-N-Out goodness ... this pic's for you!

Attack of the Killer Burros!:

So one day we went to Oatman, AZ. They've got wild burros there that come down daily from the mountains into town. The shopkeeps sell carrots that you can feed them. The following are some pics:

And before y'all get misty eyed saying "but Kat, look .. those burros .. they are sooooo cute ... especially the baby". Uh yeah. Sure they are ..........WHILE you've still got carrots (that's the key). But once you are out of The Carrots ... RUN! Just sayin'.

I'd have pictures to show you of The Attack of the Killer Burros but apparently I am not talented enough yet to take pictures while running for my life.

Bad, bad burros ... bad!!

"Classy"?? Uh ... okay:

I'm not so sure that MY definition of "classy" and THEIR definition of "classy" match. Just sayin'.

So see here. A little tank top. Not something I would buy, say ever ... but not nearly as hideous as I thought.

.... I saw the back of it! Hello? Are those REALLY made out of a pair of man's whitey-tighties???

Oh yes, they are! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, "classy". That's the word that comes to mind!!

So there you have it. The Laughlin Trip!

Monday, August 15, 2005

I've not studied real estate but...

So I've not studied real estate but I'm thinkin' ... and I could be wrong here ... that when your real estate agent lists your house on the RMLS website .... you don't want them to describe the neighborhood as "LOCK ALL DOORS!".

Again, I've had no formal training or anything ... but I'm just sayin'.

ML: 5057534
City: Hillsboro Status: ACT Price: $184,900 Sqft: 1416
Beds: 3 Baths: 2.1 Elem: WITCH HAZEL
YrBuilt: 1982 Tax/Yr: $1,834.92 NHood: LOCK ALL DOORS!

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Toothpick Hell

Okay, so whose bright idea was it for me and T1 to take a Beginner's Sock Knitting Class?! Hmmm? Hmmm? Cuz y'all forgot to mention that knitting socks would be HELL! Just sayin'.

I mean, first off ... you DO remember the yamika incident, right?! Yeah, well ... that project was NOTHING ... NOTHING I tell ya ... compared to trying to knit a sock. Really.

To knit socks, you first start off with 5 miniscule knitting needles. You knitters would know them at Size 2 DPNs*. You non-knitters (aka Lucky Bastards) just imagine toothpicks.

You then try knitting with yarn that is close to the width of thread. Uh yeah. Plus you've got 5 ... as in FIVE ... of these DPNs jostling up against each other as you try to knit from needle to needle ..... all while trying to make sure that none of the yarn slips off the back of the needle while you're fighting with the front of the needles.

Ah yes, the joy!

As if that's not bad enough, the first inch or so of the project needs to be the ribbing (ya know, so your sock stays UP on your leg). Yeah well, for those of us that haven't really purled before ... that whole knit two purl two thing while juggling tiny yarn between five toothpicks ... well ... it just doesn't get any better than that!!! ARGH!!!!!! Talk about neck tension, stress and sweaty palms!! (quite literally)

And as an added bonus, I discovered the "joy" of accidentally removing one of the working needles completely from the project when attempting to simply grab the newly emptied needle instead. Oh yeah .... ain't that special, I tell ya! Let the panic (and cussing) commence!

Oh, but the real pisser with the sock project is: If/when I finish this sock ... I'm still only half way done with the project! HALF WAY! I'd have another WHOLE sock to do! Man, my neck is tensing just thinking about it!!

Sigh. So here are some pics (poorly lit ... my bad) that show my project as of last night. Just look at that pretty pink Rowan Big Wool in the background just mocking me! "Look Kat, I am big yarn to be used on big needles and hence am stress-free, fun, relaxing and fast!!!". But no, no ... instead I get to do the Hateful Sock Knitting. BAH! Just look, only the ribbing on the sock is complete as well as the first few rows of the straight knit for the leg. Would any of you believe that this is already about 5 hours worth of work?! FIVE HOURS! (no, I will not be quitting my day job to become a professional knitter! ;)). The instructor says our homework before class next weekend is to knit the sock all the way down until we reach the heel. The suggestion is 6 to 7 inches. Yeah right. By next weekend?? Maybe if I forgo work AND sleep! Because at the rate I'm going now ... can you say "bobby socks**"!?!

* double-pointed needles.
** correction: make that "bobby sock". Just one. Because I'm bound and determined to befriend a one-legged person before this class is finished!

Friday, August 12, 2005

For the non-Bruce fans

For putting up with my Bruce post, here's some Craigslist bashing for your viewing pleasure (or disgust ... as the case may be!) ;)



Reply to:
Date: 2005-08-11, 11:24AM PDT


[yes, she should be open minded and not judgmental ... but by god let only the cute faced, small waisted and big behind women with more than one picture so he can judge, judge, judge apply!]

pigs in a blanket, beach blanket bingo, snakes in the grass - 45

[uh, no! But let's read further]

Reply to:
Date: 2005-08-11, 10:42AM PDT

I'm looking an exclamation point type of woman. [damnit. I'm pretty sure I'd be the question mark type (HEY! No agreeing comments needed from the peanut gallery on this one, okay!?)]
Please send your 1000 words via a pic if you would. [huh?!]
Elvis has left the building. [and so have I...]

Cuties and Hotties Only!

[I'm sure this should have been "Cuties and Hotties for a Very Deep and Meaningful Non-Superficial Relationship Only", right?]

Looking for a woman who looks great in pigtails - 35

[huh. Well that's not me right now what with the short hair and all .... but let's give your post a whirl and see what we find]

Reply to:
Date: 2005-08-11, 7:37AM PDT

I am looking for a woman to hang out with and hopefully someone to develope a lasting relationship with. She has no kids, age 20's to early 30's, good natured, good sense of humor, intelligent, teeth and hair, attractive, vuluptuous welcome but not fat - meaning no more than 5-7 lbs over weight and in proportion,liberal,has interests,likes sushie, likes to be active outdoors, she likes to hang out downtown Portland at times, likes to watch games at PGE park but not a sports junky, likes beer and wine but not an alchiholic, and not snotty.

In short:I want a healthy woman, attractive by most standards - don't have to be a model (models welcome though).

I'm a laid back ..... [blah, blah, blah. You lost me here, dude. Because for someone claiming to be "laid back" you are pretty darn uppity and demanding about what you want. I mean, seriously ..... look at that first paragraph! Holy Schnickety! You are The Anti-Laid Back ... trust me on this]

Married motorcycle man wants mistress - 40

[honesty = good. Cheater = BAD, BAD, BAD!! You suck, Mr Married Motorcycle Man]

Do you fuck on the first date? - 35

[ah, another man looking for a meaningful relationship. I just can't get enough of y'all. Sigh]

swm seeking nudist female for long term relationship - 35

Reply to:
Date: 2005-08-11, 3:19PM PDT

I am a swm 35, 5'10", 210 lbs. Very short brown hair and brown eyes..Clean shaven, full lips and dress and act casual. I am a very honest and open person.I have a little bit of a gut but am generally average build. I do not drink or use drugs but I do smoke. Seeking a female any age, weight race or looks for a long term relationship. One who is a nudist, voyeur, exhibitionist. Please be sincere in your response and enclose a photo which I will reciprocate

[he's looking for a nudist ... and yet he says he dresses casually. Hmmmm. Odd to anyone else?]

Mr Wrong - 48


extraordinary guy in quest for sexy babe of vast erudition - 32

[shit, where's my dictionary?!]

Wealthy Handsome Bachelor Seeks Beautiful Woman to Spoil F 25-39

[ahh, you know how I just LOVE to pick on the men that think buying women is okay]

Reply to:
Date: 2005-08-11, 11:21AM PDT

Wealthy Bachelor Seeks Beautiful Woman to Spoil F 25-39:
I'm sincerely looking for an fairly intelligent, very attractive, shapely woman [hehehe. Did you catch that?! "FAIRLY intelligent" and yet "VERY attractive". How about those priorities??] to take great care of in a mutually benficial relationship [hey, wait a minute, Mr Wealthy Handsome Bachelor ... you forgot to insert the dollar signs here. Normally it's "mutually benefi$ial". Just sayin'.], that I hope would grow into much, much more.

I like to have fun, eat in great restaurants, listen to great live music, and shop in the better stores. I also like to travel to fun places, and enjoy the company of a sincere, honest, caring attractive and warm, sensual woman.

If we click and something great develops you won't have to worry about bills, a nice car, nice clothes or credit cards....I'll take care of all that kind of stuff.....You just worry about looking nice for me, taking great care of yourself, and taking great care of me....while I take great care of you. [look Ma ... I can be a prostitute! Whoo hooo!]

I'm sincere, single and only recently available after having ended by my choice, a long term relationship, and have just begun looking for one special woman to develop a great relationship with. ["GREAT relationship"?? Huh? What am I missing here .... I thought you were looking to buy someone]

If you're real, and sincere, and have an interest in learning more, please reply with recent clear pic's and some profile information.

I'll reply with my pic's and info. and we can go from there.

Thanks for your time and thoughtful consideration. [No, No ... thank YOU, Mr Blog Fodder]

Open Letter To Bruce Springsteen

Dear Bruce-

I need to apologize. I've been a fan for many years and have been to probably 7 or 8 (maybe 9?) of your concerts. Have LovedLovedLoved every single one of them! (LUUUUUUUVED them!) But see, I bought your new album Devils & Dust and was a bit (and I feel blasphemous saying this) "disappointed" (*cringe*) with it. (I think I've been in a Need To Rock stage for the past couple of years and what with your album being so mellow and all. At any rate ...I only listened to it a couple of times). So when I heard about your Portland concert I vacillated on purchasing a ticket because I knew that:

a) the majority of songs would be from the new album
b) the concert was listed as "acoustic" and hence there would be no rocking out*
c) even the E Street Band was not going to be there
d) none of my friends are Bruce fans with whom I can share the experience
e) HOLY COW! $100 per ticket?!!!

But based on past concert performances I counted my pennies (ie whipped out the ole charge card) and bought a ticket.

(Are ya still with me?... cuz here comes the "apology" part.)

Bruce, I'm sorry I momentarily doubted you.

The concert was ABSOLUTELY 100% P-H-E-N-O-M-E-N-A-L! There was no need for a backup band (whether the E Street or others). There was no need for an elaborate stage setup. Nor for pyrotechnics, costumes, opening bands and/or any other gimmick. All that was needed was you. Just you.

At times you used your guitar or harmonica or keyboard or pounded out percussion on the front of the guitar while you strummed (that was awesome btw) .... but at other times it was just your voice. And you rocked the house.

Thousands of people in the audience and yet you could hear a pin drop during your songs as the crowd sat spellbound. Personally, I couldn't take my eyes off of you. You made me laugh. And you made me cry. In fact, the emotions ran the gamut. No other concert performer
(and I've seen hundreds) comes close to your genius. And I'm not even certain why that is. But it just is.

And so this letter is to thank you for sharing your talent with the world. And to let you know that there will be NO vacillating on my attendance at future concerts. I will be there. Without a doubt.


*does it get any better than rocking out with an everyone-on-their-feet-screaming-out-every-song-word crowd to the likes of Thunder Road, Badlands or Born To Run?? Nope, it sure doesn't!

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Funny Voicemail

A friend just forwarded this link. This is really funny. Turn on those speakers....

A guy is driving along while leaving a voice mail message for a friend when suddenly the guy witnesses a car accident (very minor, nothing in any way tragic). The guy's entire reaction to the accident was captured on his friend's voice mail account. Southwestern Bell and a Texas TV station were kind enough to post it on the Internet for one and all.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Party Party Party

So one of my sisters (A) and I decided to head out and party my last night in HotterThanHades (aka Laughlin). I mean, it is a casino town afterall ... plenty to do, right?! Uhhhhhh ... yeah. We tried casino after casino and the best entertainment we could muster turned out to be the games we created ourselves. For instance:

  • I Spy ...... Someone in the Casino Without Grey Hair.

    Sounds easier than it is. Because ....seriously..... anybody under 70 here?? ANYBODY?! EEESH!
  • Can you show me Uranus?

    Okay, my sister J said we should check out this one casino's bar that had planets on the ceiling because they had really good drinks. So my sis A and I are wandering that casino and can't find any bar that fits that description. So we're thinking we need to ask an employee (great to be a woman and allowed to ask directions, isn't it?! :)). Only the trick would be to see which of us had the balls to walk up to an employee and ask for directions "to Uranus" (snicker). Sadly enough we had yet to have any alcohol so neither of us won this match. ;)
  • Bartender! Bartender! Who Stole the Bartender?!

    Okay, it was bad enough that most casino bars were closed while we were out and about (and it's not like it was 3 or 4am at this point .... but a completely respectable 10 and 11pm). But the ones that were open were completely empty. Not much fun to hang out in a ghost town bar. Worse yet when you can't even find the bartender! (how crazy is THAT?!). So we had to trek loooooong and far to find a place with a bartender AND a few patrons. But we did! Because we're not quitters! That's right! ;)
  • Please Don't Kill Me, Creepy Killer Dude!

    Goal to this game: Stay alive!

    What is UP with the creepy guys here?! Seriously. Sis A and I are walking along the River Walk (a nice riverside path that runs the length of Casino Row) and stumble upon one casino and can't figure out where the River Walk continues. We some how end up walking along the second floor of hotel rooms that are motel room style (ie room doors open to the outside walkway) thinking if we come down off the far side we'll be able to pick up the path again. As we're walking, I glance in one of the rooms with the drapes open and see a stripped bed (even of mattress) and the tv on (snow). I'm thinkin', "how weird". Look in the next. Same thing. And the next. Every room that had the drapes open (and the majority did) had no bedding, a missing top mattress and the tv on. It was really, really CREEEEEEEPY! I mention it to my sister and she's all "uh yeah, just keep walking!" (in a very tight voice) (she'd just finished Frankenstein by Dean Koontz so being trapped here at The Bates Motel (as I affectionately call it!) was not a good thing So we get to the end and there is no way to the River Walk. So we had to head back .... quickly (please keep in mind that this is late at night and (another oddity) there are no people around!). Anyway, we get back to the start and figure we'll take the stairs down to the beach and try to skirt this hotel/casino that way. But unfortunately, Creepy Guy #1 shows up as we're about to head down. Sis A heads down the stairs first but I spot him so let him go in front of me so I can watch what he is doing (who me?! Paranoid?!! What makes you say that?!! :)). He is behind my sis and says "it's very dark". She doesn't hear him and thinking it is me looks behind her and asks "what did you say?". He repeats "it is dark" and adds "and kinda scary" at which point A and I look at each other and decide that The Beach Option with Creepy Guy #1 is not a good plan! I mean, WTF?! What normal guy says that?! And what the hell was he hiding in his hand?!

    Anyway, we head back (AGAIN) and dive into the casino and out the front door and through an alleyway and lo and behold we're able to pick up The River Walk again at the next casino. WHEW!

    But then we run into Creepy Guy #2. We're in the hotel elevator and press the button for our floor but somehow end up in the basement (yes, we were TO sober!). Anyway, CG#2 gets on and says "mwhahaha ... this is where we keep the dead bodies ... mwhahahaha". Uh yeah.

So just for the record for any of you planning vacations out there .... if you're looking for a place with weather HotterThanHades, enjoy interacting only with people over 70 (oh, and/or serial killers), don't mind going to bed at 9pm because that's when everything closes ... think Laughlin! Otherwise, think Vegas! Just sayin'.*

*Which isn't to say I didn't have a great time ... because I absolutely did ... but that's because I had family with whom to visit. (stories and pictures still to come). And the Colorado River can be a blast. But really ... Laughlin nightlife. What the F?!

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Dorkiness Runs In The Family

.... oh yes it does!

So, while down in HotterThanHades visiting some family, I'm crammed into a hotel elevator with my mom, two sisters, teenage niece and nephew, and lots and lots of luggage. The doors are closed and we're waiting, we're waiting, we're waiting, we're waiting.

La la la, la la la.

Gee, odd that moving one floor is taking soooooo long.

La la la, la la la.

We're waiting, we're waiting, we're waiting.

Yeah, folks, it helps if someone presses the button for the desired floor. I'm just sayin'.

So it ain't just me. My dorkiness is plain ole inherited, I tell ya! ;)


Anyway, lots of pictures to share once I get back home (errr, and figure out how to offload from my brand new super cutie-patootey digital camera! (whoo hooo))! So stay tuned later this week!

Friday, August 05, 2005

Friday's Non-Caffeinated (yet) Random Thoughts

So T1 and I went to (yes another) booksigning on Wednesday night. This one was for knitter and blogger and funny lady Stephanie Pearl-McPhee aka The Yarn Harlot. Check out her blog post for August 4th to see pictures and read her description of the signing. (Oh, and when she talks about Portland Knitters ...... she is not talking about me. Cuz yee doggie .... all the ladies there A) brought knitting with them (something which did not even occur to me!) and B) were knitting amazing things on very tiny, tiny needles (apparently they've all moved on from the garter stitch scarf!). All of which made me realize ..... I am SO not a knitter! (as if I needed further proof after the yamika incident!)).

Because Portland isn't hot enough for me (HA!), I am spending the next several days in a place I affectionately call HotterThanHades. Yeah. I don't know why. Something about spending time with family. Whatever. All I've got to say is there had better be cake!

So on the way to work today a piece of debris kicked up at me on the roadway and reminded me of yet another Past Moment of Sheer Dorkiness to share. So, one day I'm driving back to work during my lunch hour and notice a very, very low hanging branch over the roadway. I'm wondering if my car will make it underneath and think so but to ensure that the branch doesn't hit my head I duck. Yeah, hello?! I'm IN my car. My car is NOT a convertible. What the hell?!

Don't you just love those days where you've got no food for breakfast (because that would entail actual trips to The Grocery Store) and you walk in to work only to find a huge box of donuts waiting for you?

But on the flip side, don't you hate when you learn that at the same time that you are happily munching on donut(s) while browsing the morning's news headlines there are seven Russian sailors trapped in a mini sub (which is caught in fishing nets at the bottom of the ocean) with only enough oxygen for one more day and not much hope that the help being sent by other countries is going to get there in time to rescue them??! (my thoughts are with you, Russian Sailors. Please, please, please hang on!!)

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

What are men thinking??!

A couple of today's Craigslist "winners" (ack!):

Skinny bisexual female vegetarian wanted forever

Reply to:
Date: 2005-08-03, 9:01AM PDT

It is ok if you are in a relationship now, so long as you know s/he isn't the one. No religious affiliations or desires to procreate.

[does anyone else find this a very, very, very bizarro ad?? Anyone?! I mean, what exactly are you offering up here, buddy?]

My ridiculous requirements - 30 (Corvallis)

[this guy wasn't joking. I nodded off after like the first 100 pages of his requirement list. It made the novel 'War and Peace' look like a short story!]

In Pain - 31 (Lake Oswego(sorta))

[ever heard of something called "making a good first impression" when trying to meet people? Just wonderin'.]

she was ITALIAN, i am rebounding - 51 (GARDEN HOME)

[doesn't this sound right off the bat like another winner?! Let's read, shall we?!]

Reply to:
Date: 2005-08-03, 7:01AM PDT

help me get over her, she was the optimistic one, could sing like a bird, dark hair,thin legs. looking for two weeks of "the way it was" just a song before i go.

[Yep. Now why would a woman ever answer an ad like that?! Why?!!]

Nerd looking for you - 26

[ah, come onnnn, now ... how nerdy can you be?!! Let's check an excerpt.....]

"First off I'm Oriental. No, if you spin me around I don't get dis-oriented. Hahaha."

[Uh, okay. I suppose that answered the question right there, now didn't it?! Good luck, Mr Nerd Man]

And my favorite today. I've had to take only excerpts because he rivaled Mr War And Peace Man for long-windedness.

"Cute" Ass-Amazing Kisser-Great Guy; Ladies do U travel to NYC? - 34 (Manhattan)

[Okay, first off let's note that he is from Manhattan. Yet is posting in Portland, OREGON ... you know, over THREE THOUSAND miles away. Does anyone else smell "Married"???]

"I'm 34yrs, 5'10", brown hair and the sexiest blue eyes you have ever seen!" [my, my, my ... now isn't that a bold statement]

"Shivalry 'is not' over rated." [nor is spelling correctly, my friend]

"I love to sing, and 'yes' I'm good at it (No American idol..but I'm better than most)." [ah yes, I love a man that must get defensive about his singing abilities. Because how well you sing is Oh So Important to me]

"I'm a great cook, anything you name it, and...I make a great cup of coffee" [is anyone else getting the "cocky bastard" feeling here?!]

"I'm a 'very good kisser'" [yep, definitely "cocky bastard"]

"I have the best group of friends" [Damnit! Really?! And here I was thinkin' *I* had the best group of friends. Mine must be second best then. Sorry, guys, I'll need that "2005 Best Group Of Friends" plaque back now]

"My knowledge and interest are very vast" [and yet your personality is severely lacking]

"Because it's not all about my pleasure, 'its' about yours'." [hahahahahahaha! Yeah, I've met guys like you before, buddy ... with "cocky bastards" it is definitely all about YOU]

[and his comment on what he is looking for....]

"And yes...A Good a must."

"Takes pride in the way they look."

"Nice/Great set of legs (sorry for being blunt) but (we all have wishes)." [like wishing someone wasn't so "parenthesis happy"?!]

"Don't waist me time if you not.. [aye, matey, and we can get together over drinks and speak like Pirates!] ....I'm looking for an Attractive Women (White Female), who takes pride in the way they look"

[Did anyone think that a woman's inner beauty would be his main concern?!!! Yeah, me neither]

[You, dear blog readers, may also be interested to know he posted a (fully clothed .. thank goodness) picture of his bum. Sigh.]

Monday, August 01, 2005

I'm sorry, Mr Bear!

Okay, so I just went to the grocery store at lunch because someone (and I'm not mentioning any names here) didn't do any grocery shopping this weekend and hence had no food for lunch. More importantly, she had no frappuccino to get her through the rest of the workday (thereby making this jaunt to the grocery store at lunch critical, you understand!! ;)) Again, not mentioning any names ..... but I'm thinkin' you can figure out about whom I am writing.

So I finish checking out at one of those automated checkout stands (the one (and you'll see the significance of my mentioning this tidbit as this story unfolds) with the little camera about neck-high), grab my bags, start to walk out and notice, as I glance down, that the top button on my shirt is undone!!

Now, folks, with most of the fairly conservative outfits I wear, the top button coming undone would not be a big deal. But of course, am I wearing something ultra conservative today????!!! NO! Of COURSE NOT! Today I am wearing a shirt in which the top button is very, very, VERY significant. It's an Old Navy button down shirt that has spandex or the like in it which makes it kinda stretchy and more form-fitting. And the first button is nestled... ya know ....between The Girls ... and keeps the shirt pulled together snuggly over them*. And as Button Down Shirts With Stretch will do, when you undo the buttons ... the shirts unbutton and O-P-E-N. Very wide. Oh yes they do.

So there I am; already past the checkout counter, ladened down with bagged groceries in hand, mid-walk, desperately trying to look somewhat nonchalant so as not to draw attention
(impossible to look completely nonchalant with bright red face but whatever) and I CAN'T rebutton the dang shirt because I only have part of one hand in which to try to close the spandexed gap and button at the same time. No can do. So I thought:

  1. Okay, I can either stop, put the bags down, blatantly rebutton the gaping shirt, pick up bags and continue on my way knowing that I WILL be drawing attention to the situation. Or ...
  2. I can hold the bags in front of the shirt opening and quickly walk out the door to my car hoping that no-one noticed.

Option number two, right? Right!! Until Mr. Bear got in my way. "Mr. Bear" you ask?! Why yes .... the "Employee In Fuzzy Bear Mascot Costume" Mr. Bear that I have never, ever, EVER seen at this store** before. EVER!!!!! And Mr. Bear was standing between me and my exit outta The Embarrassing Situation. Mr. Bear did not have a chance!

Now normally I just luvvvvvvvv being accosted by a person in a fuzzy mascot outfit and embarrassed by their antics. Who doesn't, right?! Uhhh yeah. Okay. But today The Girls were displayed to the world and its cameras and there was NO WAY I was giving Mr. Bear and others the opportunity to stop me and get an Up-Close-And-Personal. Just wasn't going to happen. So Mr. Bear, I apologize. Normally I simply try to give a polite smile as I brush quickly by in the desperate hopes of avoiding any interaction WHATSOEVER with a person in a mascot costume. But today I could not risk a Mr. Persistent Bear event happening. So I forewent the polite smile and went with the "Don't You Dare Stop Me Or I Will Kick You In Your Bear Nuts" look. I'm sorry. I know that may have seemed a little extreme, Mr. Bear, but my Girls were showing. It was my quickest ticket out. I'm sure you'll understand when they show the in-store film clips at the this year's company Christmas Party. Until then, my apologies.

* this shirt is less slutty then it sounds, folks. I'm tellin' ya. Because even though the top button is low, the shirt continues up (mostly together) toward the neck. It is not as if The Cleavage is on view. Only a hint of it every once in a while.

** whose brilliant idea was it to have a mascot at a grocery store?!! WHY?! Ballgames and amusement parks are bad enough. Now I have to hide from you while shopping?!! ARGH!