Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Reason #537 Why I'm Still Single

So I had a first date with a gentleman on Sunday evening. We met at a very nice martini bar in the Pearl District. Sat around chatting for about 3 hours ..... during that time I managed not to spill anything on myself (or him) and to not tell any embarrassing stories (the stuck Ben-wa Ball story comes to mind! :)). So all was good.

Afterwards, he walked me several blocks to my car.

And y'all know that there Awkward Moment when you are looking to part after the first date but don't quite know how to end it?? I mean, do you just leave? Or is he going to hug you? Maybe he'll try kissing you?? No idea. And the date was fine so you're open to any of those options really. So you just make stupid small talk while you both size up the situation and wait for someone to DO something??

Yeah, well ... I don't like those moments. So after a couple of hems and haws I just thought "fuck it ... I'll give him a big hug and then high tail it outta here!". Only I noticed that when I went in for the hug .... he perhaps thought I was going for the kiss ... and so he puckered up ...and ended up giving me a nice kiss on my cheek as I hugged him.

Which was fine. Had it just ended there.

But ya see, I was just hugging ... and so my eyes were open as I was leaning over his shoulder giving him the hug. And it turned out that we were standing in front of a store. And the store had a big ole window. And the window display was just full of shoes!!

And not just any shoes. These were very fancy-looking shoes, many styles of which I had never seen before (and let me tell you ... I've seen some shoes!! :))!! And it was as if there were spot lights on each individual pair! And the one pair my eyes could not avoid were this very sparkly pair of red high heeled pumps (hi! Look! Something shiny!!!).

And though sparkly red high heeled pumps aren't necessarily shoes I would buy for me .... these were still pretty spectacular looking. And so maybe the only thing that came outta my mouth as I separated from the hug was "oooooh, shoes" as my eyes stayed glued to the window instead of refocusing on him. (yeah, really ... I kid you not). And as I extricated myself from the hug to his confused muttered "what?" ... I felt myself drawn to the window full of shoes.

So I trance-like approached the window ... and realized that the whole store was full of shoes ... shoes as far as the eyes could see! And it was perhaps at that point that I may have actually pressed my nose and hands to the glass as I stood looking in at all the pretty shoes. (There may have also been some breathless muttering along the lines of "shoesssss".)

To his credit he did not run. Run far and run fast as any sane man would have done. He stuck. But as to whether or not I ever hear from him again .... my guess is going to be a resounding "NO" after that incident! Because if that doesn't scare the bejeebus outta a man, I don't know what will!!!

(well, the good news is ... I took note of where that shoe store is and have plans to hit it this weekend! (damn thing was closed when I was there or I may just have left him standing on the sidewalk, jaw agape, as I wandered on in! :)))

Because really, who needs men when there are shoes to be purchased, damnit!!!! :)

Thursday, February 15, 2007

For Sale: Ben-wa Balls .... almost new

So, this post is going to be WAYYYYYYYYY Too Much Information for most of y'all. So might I request that any person of the male persuasion move on to something else now. Oh, I know ... this year's Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition just came out, right? Why don't all you men move right on over there and "read" that instead.

Okay, great. Thank you.

So, ladies, a few weeks ago I was cajoled into attending a girls only "passion" style party. To those of you not In The Know, a "passion" style party is similar to a Tupperware party .... only substitute sex toys for kitchen gadgets.

Anyway, not in any particular NEED of any sex toys at this point in my SingleLife (before y'all get started on what a single gal MAY need .... I've made purchases at one of these parties before. I'm set. 'Nuff said. :)), I opted to go with something a bit more tame. A set of Ben-wa Balls.

Now to those of you unfamiliar with what those are, Ben-wa balls are little metal balls touted to be little exercise equipment for your hoo-ha. The party hostess described them like little weights. Supposedly if you couple these Ben-wa Balls with your Kegel exercises, you will have a very trim and toned hoo-ha. Which is great for enhanced sexual pleasure as well as avoiding future issues of urinary incontinence. And I figured since my butt and thighs were not going to be trimmed and toned any time soon ... at least my hoo-ha could be! ;)

Now, the folks at this party were pretty open, and a number of women asked questions about the Ben-wa Balls. The most important one, of course, being .... but will they get stuck up there???

The party hostess, and Woman In The Know, replied ... of course not. Then went on a long soliloquy describing their usage and how easy they were to remove, especially with gravity working on your side, blah, blah, blah.

I thought that was interesting but wasn't fully sold until she continued with.....

First off, she said, the hoo-ha will generally be fairly out of shape if you haven't been using these before, so if you are vertical and you put the BWBs in ... they will fall right on out. So she recommended starting out with only one BWB to start (right?...like you would start with lighter weights at the gym and work your way up. Made sense to me!) and for the first week do the exercises lying on your back. She recommended 10 to 15 minutes a day. After that you could progress to vertical and then eventually progress to using both BWBs.

Also, she said, once the hoo-ha was more toned, just relax to release, giving a little squat position if necessary. But truly ... with gravity, gravity, gravity ... it wasn't a problem.

Easy as pie, right??

So my BWBs arrived recently in the mail and while I was watching Mr TeeVee the other night I decided to give them a try. So I slouched down on the couch so I wouldn't be vertical, and popped one in.

I kegelled my little heart out for .... oh, about 30 seconds ... and then continued to kegel sporadically for the remainder of 5 minutes ... because I didn't want my hoo-ha to be sore and tuckered out. Or because I was bored silly. One or the other.

But regardless, after the 5 minutes I sat up straight knowing that the little BWB would slide right on out, reached down to grab it and ..... nuthin!


Okay, maybe sitting wasn't vertical enough .... so up I stood and reached down to catch ..... bupkus!

(*insert mild panic here*)

How about doing a little jig to entice that puppy out??

Nope ... still nothing.


So I went upstairs to the bathroom and got naked thinking that maybe the BWB was scared to come out with the pants and panties in view.

Did another jig .... still no joy.

(*insert not quite as mild panic here!*)

Okay, so I tried to think rationally and not start freaking out!! I took a deep breath and ran through the "good news" with regard to this event.

Like, first, thankfully I knew that I didn't have to be on an airplane bright and early the next morning so I wouldn't have to try explaining to airport security why I was setting off the metal detector!

Also, just finished with The Period so no need to shove any tampons up there in the near future.

And no boyfriend to lie to about having a headache instead of explaining that we can't have sex because I decided to insert metal balls in my hoo-ha instead.

Also on the plus side, worst case scenario was that I'd have to go to my gynecologist to have her remove it. SURELY she's dealt with stuck items in the hoo-ha before, right? Right?

Anyway, but the bottom line was ... I wanted the frickin' Ben-wa Ball out of my hoo-ha.

So again I tried the squats and the lunges and the dancing jigs. Nothing! So then I thought that maybe the BWB might not even be in my hoo-ha at all (just call me Queen of Denial-Land). I mean, maybe it had fallen out right when I put it in and was hiding out in the couch cushions and/or on the living room floor? Because really, I couldn't FEEL it and I couldn't SEE it ... so where WAS the damn thing??

So this is where my logical trouble-shooting brain really kicked in.

Step 1 - verify that the BWB is in fact IN the hoo-ha.

So I tried using a mirror. But obviously could not see anything. Well, nothing involving the BWB anyway. I certainly got an eyeful of a whole lotta stuff that thankfully men enjoy looking at but which I could do without seeing. Gah.

So next came the (*seriously, men .... stop reading*) the digital penetration. I reached down with a finger and entered said hoo-ha very slowly making sure that if the BWB was just inside that I wouldn't be shoving it up any further. But unfortunately, my kegels must have moved it up further anyway because I could JUST touch it with the very tip of my finger when fully inserted. And it felt like it was up around a little curve so there was no way it was just coming out of its own accord. This was not good, people!

Okay, but at least the verification was accomplished. Evil BWB (as I'd begun to call it) was in fact up in the hoo-ha. On to the next step.

Step 2 - get the frickin' BWB OUT!

I decided that maybe making the pee-pee would relax different muscles and the BWB would pop out. Sounds plausible, right?? Granted, the BWB would end up in the toilet, but I think at this point I had already come to the conclusion that once out, BWBs were NOT going back in. Buh-bye little Ben-wa Ball. Always happy to waste my money like that.

So I tried that. But unfortunately, the BWB had a different idea about emerging into the toilet and decided to stay hidden.

Bad, BAD Ben-wa Ball.

So I flushed the toilet, washed my hands, then tried the jig again. To no avail.

At this point I was trying to wrap my head around the thought of living with a Ben-wa Ball stuck up my hoo-ha for all of eternity. Would it be SO bad?? Maybe not. Because really, maybe I could convince the airport security people that in fact what they were detecting was a shard of metal from a bullet or something?? I could go on and on about how I stepped in front of a bullet to save a busload of kids. But the doctors couldn't remove it and that's why the metal detector was going off.

Yeah, I didn't think that would work either. Those airport security people have gotten pretty crafty. And I don't mean "crafty" in the good "yarn, Elmer's glue, and glitter" kinda way either.

So what to do? What to do??

Okay, well we all know during sex that the hoo-ha walls tend to loosen and relax. So maybe I could stretch the walls out using my finger, enough so that the BWB could fall out? Cuz right now those hoo-ha walls were clinging to the BWB like Michael Jackson clings to little boys! Anyway, I figured it was worth a shot. Because it was either that or picking up a phone to call someone to help. And I'm not quite sure how well that phone conversation would go. "Yeah, hi ... it's me .... you busy? So here's a weird question for ya ... I know a lot of kids dreamed of being astronauts or veterinarians .... you ever dream of being a gynecologist????"

Yeah, no.

I've actually had to enlist the aid of a friend before with regard to a wayward tampon. We vowed never to speak of it again. Of course, that was before blogs. (heh). (hey, in my defense ... the anonymity remains ... what with no Time, Place or Who divulged. (and it won't be divulged .... right?? right??? (this comment directed to Other Involved Party in case they ever read this post and plan to name names in the comment section!!)) :) ) Oh, and tidbit for those folks reading this and going "really?... a tampon??". Yes, a tampon. Word to the wise ... you get what you pay for. Stay away from the budget tampons ... that's all I'm sayin'.

So, back to digital penetration. So I re-inserted the finger and started pressing on all the walls in the desperate attempt to loosen their grip on their new-found friend. Which, sounds like it could be fun, right? Ya know, in that "oooh, yeah ... now a little to the left" kinda way. But no. The only thought in my head was ..... "For the love of Jebus .... I have a FRICKIN' BEN-WA BALL STUCK UP MY HOO-HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want it OUT, OUT, OUT, OUT, OUT!!!!" (or something to that effect)

But the good news is, with a little wall pressing just so .... the BWB finally started to make its way down and out.


Which left me a bit befuddled. WHY did the Ben-wa Ball get stuck?! Surely occasional (at best) kegelling couldn't have my hoo-ha so toned that BWBs stick. Perhaps my hoo-ha walls have superhuman powers I wasn't aware of? Hmmm, that's kinda a nice thought, isn't it?! "Look! ... it's a bird! It's a plane!!! No ... it's SuperHooHa!!!!!!!!!!"

Yeah, I like it. Let's go with that! :)

Friday, February 09, 2007

The Daughtry-goodness.... oh yeah!

So I was one of the lucky few to have tickets to see Chris Daughtry (with his band "Daughtry") perform at Berbati's Pan in Portland, Oregon this past Wednesday.

For those of you who don't know ... Chris Daughtry was not our "next American Idol" last year ... but he was pretty darn close! :)

And because he was sooo well loved on American Idol ..... and because the sales on his debut album broke records ... I was shocked to find that he was playing at such a tiny, tiny venue.

Shocked .... but elated, might I add.

Because when you have The Pretties play at such small venues ... you can easily get pictures like this:

mmm, mmm, mmmm

Which you can't get when you are crammed up against the rafters at the big stadium shows. And we all like up close and personal pictures like this of The Pretties, don't we?!! Yeahhhhh, I thought so!

But before I launch into the display of some of the eleveteen hundred pictures I took while at the show ... let's talk opening bands! Because Daughtry had two of them and they were two of the better opening bands I've ever seen.

Now the first band to take the stage was Cinder Road. I'd never heard of them before and so was not going to take any photos (if you need a more concrete reason, let us all remember my Aerosmith concert post ! ;)).

Halfway through the first song I realized that I really, really liked them ... but was too engrossed in the music to even think about taking pictures. I'm kinda sad about that now. Even though I found I had to keep deleting photos from my 1 GIG MEMORY CARD during the Daughtry portion of the show so I could keep taking photos (and maybe some video .... shhhhh!!!!), I still could have spared at least one photo for Cinder Road. Maybe.

The second band to take the stage was Eve To Adam. The music was good but didn't move me as much as Cinder Road's did (on the first listening. I'm pretty sure they would really grow on me!). And yet ... for SOME reason (not quite sure why ... maybe you can figure it out) ... I felt the need to snap a few photos.

Maybe it was just for folks I thought might be interested in tatoo art.

I'm pretty sure it had nothing to do with the rock hard abs.

But whatever the reason, I must admit that I was never bored during their performance! ;) I'm pretty sure there was music playing while they were on stage. But was it Rock? Classical?? Polka?? ... I don't know. Must have been something though because here's another picture ... and he's got a guitar........ :)

Okay, where was I?? ... oh right .... let's move on and perhaps get to know Chris Daughtry a little better, eh?

Here's Exercise Chris:

"s t r e t c h, reach for it .................... now out in front...."

"okay, now get your knees up!"

Gather 'Round And Let Me Tell You A Story Chris:

Pee-Pee Dance Chris:

Playing With Da Boys Chris:

Playing With Da Other Boys Chris ;):

Time To Get Serious Chris:

I Can Hit The High Notes Chris:

Rappin' To The Homies Chris:

Spiritual Chris:

Look Ma, I Can Play Guitar Chris:

Vunerable Chris:

Kat Likes Your Ass Chris:

This Is The Church, This Is The Steeple Chris:

Workin' It Chris:

Hottie Hot Hot Hot Chris:

And last but not least....

Thumbs Up Chris:

"I rock"

That's right, baby ... you DO rock! The show was great! And I wish you much continued success!

Next time though .... maybe you TOO could take YOUR shirt off?! Just a thought...

Oh, and before I forget ... I snuck a little video for everyone's viewing pleasure. Shhhh ... don't tell!

Enjoy! And make sure to go see him when he hits your town! He'll be there ... he said he is touring for the rest of the year! (holy cow!!!). Also, he plays a song written by him and one of my faves .... Rob Thomas! Yee doggie! Can't wait to have that one in my hot little hands (I'm talking about a copy of the song. Not Rob. Or Chris. (Not that I wouldn't trade the song for either .... but I'm just sayin'! :)))

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Move over Eiffel Tower

So Portland now has one tourist attraction.


I've had friends come to visit up here in the past and laugh when all I can show them are big trees, big rocks and a big waterfall.

Because there just is not all that much "touristy" stuff to be found here in lil ole Portland, Oregon. No Disneylands. No Statue Of Liberties. No big balls of yarn (damn it). No Hard Rock Cafes even. Nuthin'!

But now we have a tram! Which has made BIG news here in Portland. (Though mostly because of how much it cost us and not because everyone is excited about it.)

My friends and I are perhaps a bit dorkier than most ... and not only because we went to ride it on its official opening day.

Though we'll get to the extra dorkiness in a few.

First off ... how about some pics? Because really ... I must show off what has been pegged to be the new postcard of Portland (pictures of the tram in general .... not MY pictures, per se. Just sayin'! :))

Here's one of the tram cars coming into the South Waterfront station.

And a couple of shots from inside the tram car as we head up the hill.

Beautiful downtown Portland, OR. Which will be even MORE beautiful once we get some leaves back on the trees!

Another ... with Mt Saint Helens in the background.

The other tram car headed down from our destination

And the views from the upper tram station are spectacular!!

Here's one of Mt Hood to the east.

And here are a couple looking north towards downtown Portland with Mt Saint Helens in the background...

Portland is so beautiful. I still stop once in awhile and just look around and appreciate how lucky I am to live here. It 'twas a good choice to move here ... oh yes it was.

And finally, a couple of more shots of the tram cars for any Tram Geeks out there. I must say, I'm not so keen on how much that wire supporting the tram bends from the weight of the tram car. Cuz ... it's quite the drop as you can see, especially in that second picture.....

Okay, so now on to the part where the Extra Dorky comes in.

So I was there with a big group of people and the atmosphere on opening day was pretty fun-loving and jubilant. So you take a tram car full of happy, excited (and slightly dorky people) on their first ride on the tram's inaugural day and you get a lot of laughing and screaming. As can be viewed here in this video when the tram car driver described how we would feel a "distinct sway to the west" as we passed over the first tram tower...

(the video starts out REALLY slow .... but the tram is moving ... I SWEAR.)

And when you are Super Dorky, you must laugh and scream when you pass that same tram tower on the way back down. It's a curse.... :)

All in all ... a really fun time. And fabulous views to be had. Y'all should take a ride if you are in town. Screaming like an idiot.... optional. :)

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

I've come a long way, baby!

Or so it would seem when I was comparing pictures of the first cake I did for Course I with the final cake I did for Course III. What do you think?? :)

Cake #1 at left ... in case you couldn't tell! ;)

(tee hee. I still can't help but snicker at that first cake.)

By the way, I found a perfect use for that icky fondant icing that everyone at work gave a thumbs down to last week. I used it to make the decorations!! How brilliant is that? I was able to make the roses and leaves and let them dry til hard ... and now they can be used again and again (for any cake that I don't give away, that is!).

That works SO much better for me than the buttercream roses. For some reason I can never get the buttercream consistency correct and my poor little roses just melt down into little rose blobs. These .... no melty ..... much better. Whoo hooo!

But anyway, I was able to ice the cake in the regular buttercream frosting and just use the fondant for decorations. Folks at work ... Oh So Happy!

p.s. I know I have been The Ultimate Blog Slacker lately. But I do have some items to share. And will hopefully get those posted later this week! With pix ... of some Pretties even (fingers crossed!!!!)