Monday, August 01, 2005

I'm sorry, Mr Bear!

Okay, so I just went to the grocery store at lunch because someone (and I'm not mentioning any names here) didn't do any grocery shopping this weekend and hence had no food for lunch. More importantly, she had no frappuccino to get her through the rest of the workday (thereby making this jaunt to the grocery store at lunch critical, you understand!! ;)) Again, not mentioning any names ..... but I'm thinkin' you can figure out about whom I am writing.

So I finish checking out at one of those automated checkout stands (the one (and you'll see the significance of my mentioning this tidbit as this story unfolds) with the little camera about neck-high), grab my bags, start to walk out and notice, as I glance down, that the top button on my shirt is undone!!

Now, folks, with most of the fairly conservative outfits I wear, the top button coming undone would not be a big deal. But of course, am I wearing something ultra conservative today????!!! NO! Of COURSE NOT! Today I am wearing a shirt in which the top button is very, very, VERY significant. It's an Old Navy button down shirt that has spandex or the like in it which makes it kinda stretchy and more form-fitting. And the first button is nestled... ya know ....between The Girls ... and keeps the shirt pulled together snuggly over them*. And as Button Down Shirts With Stretch will do, when you undo the buttons ... the shirts unbutton and O-P-E-N. Very wide. Oh yes they do.

So there I am; already past the checkout counter, ladened down with bagged groceries in hand, mid-walk, desperately trying to look somewhat nonchalant so as not to draw attention
(impossible to look completely nonchalant with bright red face but whatever) and I CAN'T rebutton the dang shirt because I only have part of one hand in which to try to close the spandexed gap and button at the same time. No can do. So I thought:

  1. Okay, I can either stop, put the bags down, blatantly rebutton the gaping shirt, pick up bags and continue on my way knowing that I WILL be drawing attention to the situation. Or ...
  2. I can hold the bags in front of the shirt opening and quickly walk out the door to my car hoping that no-one noticed.

Option number two, right? Right!! Until Mr. Bear got in my way. "Mr. Bear" you ask?! Why yes .... the "Employee In Fuzzy Bear Mascot Costume" Mr. Bear that I have never, ever, EVER seen at this store** before. EVER!!!!! And Mr. Bear was standing between me and my exit outta The Embarrassing Situation. Mr. Bear did not have a chance!

Now normally I just luvvvvvvvv being accosted by a person in a fuzzy mascot outfit and embarrassed by their antics. Who doesn't, right?! Uhhh yeah. Okay. But today The Girls were displayed to the world and its cameras and there was NO WAY I was giving Mr. Bear and others the opportunity to stop me and get an Up-Close-And-Personal. Just wasn't going to happen. So Mr. Bear, I apologize. Normally I simply try to give a polite smile as I brush quickly by in the desperate hopes of avoiding any interaction WHATSOEVER with a person in a mascot costume. But today I could not risk a Mr. Persistent Bear event happening. So I forewent the polite smile and went with the "Don't You Dare Stop Me Or I Will Kick You In Your Bear Nuts" look. I'm sorry. I know that may have seemed a little extreme, Mr. Bear, but my Girls were showing. It was my quickest ticket out. I'm sure you'll understand when they show the in-store film clips at the this year's company Christmas Party. Until then, my apologies.

* this shirt is less slutty then it sounds, folks. I'm tellin' ya. Because even though the top button is low, the shirt continues up (mostly together) toward the neck. It is not as if The Cleavage is on view. Only a hint of it every once in a while.

** whose brilliant idea was it to have a mascot at a grocery store?!! WHY?! Ballgames and amusement parks are bad enough. Now I have to hide from you while shopping?!! ARGH!

1 comment:

Sis said...

hahahahahahahaha...oh this was a good one! Thanks for a good laugh.