Saturday, July 30, 2005

Old Dorkiness Remembered

Ah yes, a friend reminded me of this story just the other day. Sad really how I have Oh So Many Moments of Sheer Dorkiness that it is too hard to remember them all on my own any more!

Okay, so years ago I'm at a fancy event with Mr X, my friend A and her Mr-X G*. We're sitting at one of those round tables with the candy coated almonds on the table that we are wolfing down because we are starving. The topic turns to different candies and such and I'm saying that I like my chocolate to be Female (ya know, no nuts!). And G was saying that he likes the nuts but can do without the chocolate.

And so I say .... without stopping to think for even ONE MILLISECOND ..... "well that would work... I could just suck the chocolate off your nuts then".

Uh, yeah. I didn't even know what I had said until the table went dead silent. I promptly replayed my sentence in my head, realized the other interpretation and turned 50 shades of red!

Sigh. Ya just can't take me anywhere, I swear! :)

* back before they were our Mr Xs, of course.

Friday, July 29, 2005

Ffun With Jasper Fforde

So I went to another book signing Tuesday evening. This one was with author Jasper Fforde! His prior books include the Thursday Next series. This signing was for his newly released book called 'The Big Over Easy'. It's the murder mystery of Humpty Dumpty's ffall* off the wall! (What a crackup**, right?!)

Okay, so this guy was awesome! If any of you ever have the opportunity to go to one of his signing, please do so. He sounds JUST LIKE Hugh Grant! It's hysterical! And it's not just that British accent. It's the mannerism and sense of humor too. Seriously. Do yourself the ffavor!

And you can check out Pickwick's Cavalcade of Fun on his website for what he calls "good old-fashioned time-wasting amusement" (ya know, if'n you are bored at work or whathaveya. Not that I would know anything about that. Busy, busy, busy is I!! Too busy to even blog. Oh wait ....;)).

In his talk, he also detailed some games you can play in the grocery store to alleviate those Grocery Shopping Blues. I can't recall the exact titles or whathaveya but they went something like this:

1) The good ole See What You Can Sneak Into Other People's Carts game. Of course, he adds bonus points if you can add something to the cart that is entirely out of place. For instance, if you deduce that someone is a vegetarian by the items already in their cart and you can sneak in a big slab of red, red meat. Bonus!

2) The Rearrange The Grocery Store game. You know, like moving the diapers into the ffrozen ffood aisle somehow. Extra bonus for anyone that can get some item behind the glass in the deli counter.

3) Here's my Fforde Ffavorite. The Barcode Roulette game. You buy say a ffrozen chicken and use a black ffelt tip marker to add one bar to the barcode. If it rings up at checkout as a pack of gum you scored a cheap, cheap chicken***. However, if it rings up as a big screen tv ... you lose! :)

Okay, the end of the double "f"s. Really! ;)

*yes, I know these double 'f's at the beginning of words is odd but when speaking of Jasper Fforde ya just gotta. I think it's the law! ;) Besides, it's a lotta ffun! So please bear with me!! ;)

** haha. Sorry. The pun on the cracked egg shell wasn't really intended there ... but I'll take it!!

*** again, sorry. These puns are coming out unintentionally ... I SWEAR!

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Check Please!

"Check Please" kinda sums up my blind date with Internet Guy (IG) last night. Actually that was said a little too mellowly*. This would be a more accurate summation:

My Inner Voice (MIV): "Ah shit, not only is he not the one ... he's not even someone I'm gonna wanna spend any platonic time with. I mean, I'm sure he's a nice guy and all .... but there is just NOTHING here."

IG: "Blahdy, blah, blah, blah. Yes, I haven't eaten. Food would be good. Blahdy, blah, blah, blah"

MIV: "NOOOOO! Don't order FOOOOOD! Just a drink! I don't want to be here any longer than necessary!!!!! STOP!!!!!"

IG: "Yes, Mr Waiter, I'll have the steak"

MIV: "F!!!!!!!!!!"

IG: "Blahdy, blah, blah, blah"

MIV: "For the LOVE OF GOD, can you NOT eat ANY FASTER??????!!!!!!!!!!!!"

IG: "Blahdy, blah, blah, blah"

IG: "Blahdy, blah, blah, blah"

IG: "Blahdy, blah, blah, blah"


IG: "Why yes, Mr Waiter, I would love another beer"


IG: "Blahdy, blah, blah, blah"

MIV: "Stop talking and DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!"

IG: "Blahdy, blah, blah, blah"

MIV: "Okay, he's almost done with this beer and it's getting late. Where's the waiter with the check???"

IG: "Blahdy, blah, blah, blah"

MIV: "Check! Check! Check! Check!!!"

IG: "Blahdy, blah, blah, blah"

MIV: "For the LOVE of all that is GOOD, where the HELL is our waiter with the check????????????"

IG: "Blahdy, blah, blah, blah"

MIV: "Check! Check! Check! CHECKKKKKKKKKK!"

IG: "Blahdy, blah, blah, blah. Oh, excuse me, I must use the little boy's room"

MIV: "Okay, here's my chance. Must. Catch. Waiter's. Eye. And. Indicate. Check. Please! But where is the waiter?? Oh there he is. Come onnnnnn, Mr Waiter, look at me. Waiter! Waiter! Waiter! Waiter!!! F!!!!! He didn't look and wandered behind the bar! PLEASE GOD! Let SOMEONE come over here so I can get the check before IG gets back!! Anyone?? Anyone??? I'm running outta time here. He'll be back any second!!! Come onnnnnnnnnnn. WHEW! This person works here."

Me: "Excuse me, can we get the check, please"

Waitress: "Oh, okay ... sure"

Waitress to Mr Waiter as IG is walking past: "Table So-And-So would like their check"

MIV: "Oh crap! Did he HEAR that??"

IG: "Blahdy, blah, blah, blah"

MIV: "Whew. I don't think so"

Mr Waiter: "Here's the check. Would you like anything else?"


IG: "No thanks."


Check gets paid.

MIV: "SWEET! I'm free!!!! But wait .... why is he still sitting there?"

IG: "Blahdy, blah, blah, blah"

MIV: "Are ya KIDDIN' ME?!?!"

And so there you have it. Over 2 1/2 hours of Dulldom. Again, nice guy and all ..... just no spark of any kind of connection at all. AT ALL.



* is that a word?? If not, consider it one now! Cuz y'all know what I mean by it, right?! Right.

Quote of the Day*

"You can teach an old dog new tricks, but it will still wipe its ass on the carpet."

* Thanks, T1, for that quote. I needed that!

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

More Crazies on the Loose

Ah Craigslist ..... what would I do without ya??

Bored already [Yeah, me too. So much so that I won't even be opening your ad]

SICK OF BEING SINGLE - 24 (vancouver) [Ah yes, now what woman doesn't like the sound of desperation??]

Loser here...need somebody to reject? (pdx) [Consider it done. NEXT!]

You're cute when you scream... - 22 (Beaverton, OR) [Does anyone else think "Serial Killer" when they read this one??? Seriously?! I even opened his ad hoping he would explain a bit more but NO ... just his pictures with a request for yours. What the F, people??!!!]

Are you a woman of Great color? - 47 (PDX) [Huh? This one we must read]:

Reply to:
Date: 2005-07-26, 9:12PM PDT

A colorful woman of happiness, joy, and excitement pleases God! Your ethnic or tribal background is whom you are – and this should be shared. God wishes to exalt you as his woman and child. [don't you just LOVE someone that knows EXACTLY what 'God' wants?! I bet this guys uses the phrase "It is God's will" a lot too. Ya know, cuz apparently he's on The In With 'God' and not just A Crazy Freak like some people might think!!!]

It would be my pleasure to know you, become your friend, know God is in your life, and become your love.

I am a Spiritual man who believes in you and God. You will enjoy my touch, happiness, love, excitement, and prolonged pleasure of life. [ah yes, and not only does he know what 'God' wants ... but he knows what all women (well, at least the "Colorful" ones) want. And you WILL enjoy it damnit. Because he said so.]

[Man, you frighten me almost as much as The Scream Guy]

When we divorce, I promise you can see the kids - 27 (Portland) [Perfect! The Eternal Pessimist! Just what I was looking for. Oh, and btw, what kids????!!!]

Anybody want to just fuck.... - 28 (south west) [Hello?! This is NOT the Casual Encounters section. Sheesh. Take this crap elsewhere]

wanted, 100lb Girlfriend... (Portland oregon) [you're kidding, right?? 100 pounds?? Let's see ...]

Reply to:
Date: 2005-07-26, 8:17PM PDT

I'm sorry to have a post with a title like mine but it's just so true. [nope, he's NOT kidding]

I have dated so many women and I've just grown tired of being with women that have a fiew extra pounds on them, seems like almost every woman I see has atleast 30 extra pounds if not more. [Good God! A 130 pound woman!!! HOLY SHIT! Can someone SO heavy even fit through doorways?????????????????????? They should be taken out and shot IMMEDIATELY! 130! How HIDEOUS!]

I know this post will generate alot of hate mail but I don't really care.

I am not overweight so please I would like to find a very slender woman who might be interested in a relationship. ["slender", "anorexic", "see through" ... whatever]

I will only respond to those who send pics and are 24-32 years old
No 420 friendly art students please and no unemployed but in collage either. [do you mean "college"? You know, that place you apparently have never been?? Just sayin']


Seeking busty SF any age or race for LTR - 47 (portland) [Ah yes, because "busty" IS the most important trait one should look for in that soul mate for life]

I am touching fund - 32 (BEAVERTON) [Huh?? Say again?!! You are touching what??]

And just so you don't think ALL THE MEN posting on Craigslist are losers ... here is my favorite of the day!

Successful SBM Seeking Cute, Curvy, Pear-Shaped Gal - 44 (NE PDX) [that's right ... I LOVE YOU, Mr Successful SBM Seeking Cute, Curvy, Pear-Shaped Gal!! You rock!]

Tuesday, July 26, 2005


Just wanted to send a shout out (actually a "howwwwww-dyyyyy") to Liz in Texas! It's an honor to have ya'll aboard!
Interesting about that whole "ya'll" thing. I grew up in Southern California, people! Those folks don't use "ya'll". They use "gag me with a spoon" and "gnarley, Dude" and "I'll take a pair of the silicon in size 36DD, please". But I have a strange quirk; I adopt words or different pronunciations of words from the places I travel.

I spent a summer in Massachusetts as a kid and I distinctly remember coming back and getting harassed by schoolmates because I had started pronouncing "draw" as "drarrrr" and "wash" as "warsh". It took many teasings before I fully reverted back to West Coast Speak.

Come to think of it, several weeks in Europe had me using "pardon" (pronouncing as "per-doh-n") instead of "excuse me" when trying to pass people or accidentally bumping into people. Yeah. "Pardon", "Pardon a moi", "Sorry, pardon". Sigh. That took many, many strange looks from strangers and several glares from Mr X before I was able to revert back on that one.

Now my use of "ya'll" I think I picked up after I spent a week in the fair city of Dallas, Texas. Because I certainly don't remember saying "ya'll" at any point when I was growing up. And I haven't spent any other time in the south (yet ... it's on The To-Do List) to point fingers at any other city (well, a week in Nah Awlins but I'm fairly certain that was after "ya'll" was already happily ensconced in my vocabulary). But because "ya'll" seems pretty harmless I'm okay with keeping it around. In fact, I do believe I enjoy it!

But one I am NOT so thrilled with is the use of "dude" in my daily vocabulary. Nope, not at all. I'm a 37 year old professional (oh, okay ... "professional" (*grin*)) woman not a 20 year old surfer! I should not be calling people "dude". But alas, I spend so much time with my friend "Buck" and he was saying that for awhile .... and now I've caught it. Damn you, "Buck"! That one IS your fault. And the real pisser is I think he's stopped using it! DUUUUUUDDDDEEEE!

Of course, the worst (and the one that has now stuck for over a decade) is
my use of the "F" word*. Everybody please join me in thanking New York City for that one: "Thanks New York City!!!!". Thought it was very unladylike and completely unnecessary to ever use that word before I spent a summer there! Yep, but alas, one summer in NY and I came back swearing like a sailor! I heard it everywhere there: "How the F you doin'", "F no", "Alright, F'er, I'll catch you later" as well as, of course, the "F you, you MotherF'er!!!". So I started mocking it with Mr X as a joke between us And. It. Stuck!!!!! Argh!!

Now my hope is that when I go back there next month that I will leave that little habit back where I found it. But what are the chances?? Slim to f'in none I'm thinking.

*Mom, unfortunately this "F" does NOT stand for "Fudge"!

Congratulations, NASA!

That launch of Discovery was beautiful!! Watching* it brought tears to my eyes. My thoughts are with the crew for a wonderfully successful mission and a very safe return.

* and many thanks to internet technology because I was able to watch and listen to the launch live from my computer!

Monday, July 25, 2005

Death By Black Pickup Truck

Okay. What is it with near death experiences today?? While driving back from lunch, I almost got t-boned by a black pickup 4x4 truck thinking it could run a red light. What the hell? Is this going to be a week of Near Misses (and please let it only be near misses) like I had that week of Sheer Dorkiness about a month ago? Cuz I've got to tell you ... I'll take the week of "Yes, I'm a Dork" over the week of "Good Luck Not Dying" any day. K? Just in case there was any confusion on that.

Dates, Books, Armored Trucks and Cowboys

No blogging this weekend. Didn't turn the computer on even once. But have a seat, put your feet up, grab the popcorn cuz I'll now get you caught up on the latest:

Friday Night Date:

In a nutshell: Blah. So much so that there is nothing more to blog about it. Next.

'The Historian':

Had a chance to put some time into the book 'The Historian' this weekend and finished it. Pretty good read. If you like Dan Brown's 'The Da Vinci Code' then you will probably also really enjoy this book. This deals with the history (and the more present day wanderings) of Dracula. Eek!

Thought I was unaffected by the book but apparently your mind does weird things at 3 in the morning. So, when I woke at that time due to my room being subzero from running my air-conditioning too high,
his name started repeating in my head. "Vlad, Vlad, Vlad". This freaked me out because I kept thinking, "Oh crap, if you say his name three times does he appear?? Must stop saying his name in my head. Must stop. 'Vlad, Vlad'. SHUSH! NOOOOOO. STOP IT! Don't repeat name. 'Vlad, Vlad, Vla'....... ARGH".

So then I had this irrational fear that he would appear! (yeah, I've got a little bit of The Crazy in me!). But anyway, CJ saw that I was awake and jumped out of my armoire where she's taken to sleeping lately (how cute is that??) to come spoon with me (shut it!) on the bed. She's happily purring away and I'm thinking "well then, surely CJ wouldn't be purring if there was a vampire in the room ... so as long as she's purring ... all is good. WHEW".

And so I settled down to go to sleep with my kitty contently tucked under my arm........ and the covers pulled up over my neck!

Until she stopped purring.

And jumped down off the bed.

And skeddadled outta the room!!!

Damn it!

But luckily she was just answering the beckoning of her food dish and came back a few minutes later. Who knew kitty lovin' protected as well as cloves of garlic and crucifixes?? :)

Johnny Depp:

I saw the movie 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' yesterday. I liked it. I am forever impressed with Johnny Depp's choice of characters. He could so easily do the "shallow pretty boy" roles but doesn't. Each character he does is very different and yet each is so very interesting in lines (and delivery of) and the mannerisms. I am highly impressed. His Willy Wonka (did that sound dirty to anyone else? :)) is another very entertaining yet quirky character. Go Johnny!

Death By Armored Truck:

So I almost died this morning!!! Mr Armored Truck almost ran me off the road while I was driving to work. Yep, on the freeway. Four lane highway at that point and coming up a hill. He's in the right most lane ahead of me and I'm coming up faster in the lane to his left. He changes into my lane causing me to quickly move into the lane he just deserted to avoid rear ending him. But that's fine. He shouldn't have changed lanes just then but I'm unphased. Until I'm even with him as I'm passing on the right now and he decides to move back! ARGHHHHHHHHH! I had to swerve onto the shoulder to avoid getting crushed! (because ya'll know an armored truck is going to win the battle between itself and a small sports car!). Anyway, I survived. But boy, that got the blood pumping. As if driving to work on a Monday morning itself isn't bad enough!

Forgive me, Blog Readers, for I have sinned:

I went to the CountryFest music festival on Saturday with a friend of mine. (No, I don't generally listen to country music ... in fact, haven't for years .... but a friend won free tickets and wanted me to go with her and, since I am not opposed to country music and I do luva da concerts, I went. (Plus I thought people watching at a country concert would be a hoot. And I was right!))

It was a beautifully sunny day (a little warm but no where near as bad as it could have been) at the Columbia Meadows Amphitheater (which I've never been to before). This venue is just an open air theater with some seats up front but most people scattered across the lawns on blankets and beach chairs. Countryfest is an all day even though I got there about 3 pm because I was coming from a picnic with friends.

So I arrive there, find my friend and we head out to people watch and check out the karaoke while the next band is setting up. Folks, lemme tell ya ... there are just some people that should NOT be up in front of people trying to sing. What the hell? Seriously! You know it is bad when I actually think I could get up there and do a better job (and folks, I can't sing nor would I want to be up in front of people like that.)

Also, one word to a lot of the folks there: Sunscreen. You're out in the sun ALL day, trust me ... you need sunscreen. As I said, I got there about three hours late and there were some folks that were already absolutely fried! And that's with hours and hours of sunshine and bands left. What are ya'll thinkin'?? Seriously.

Then there are the folks that should probably have reconsidered their outfits. There are some people that look good in skimpy bathing suits or short shorts or without a shirt on ... and there are some that just don't.
I'm just sayin'. If you know you fall into the "just don't" category .... please spare us. Like you, Mr Really, Really, Really Big Belly Guy With the Crazy-Hairy Back and Saucer-Sized Belly Button, I was trying to eat. A shirt on you would have been nice.

Of course, there were also the young pretties with and without shirts. And my friend and I had the best spot in the place because we were right behind the Hottest of the Hot. Yep. Think younger Matthew McConaughey. Medium length wavy, dirty blond hair. Very lean and hard bodied. Tight Wranglers. Cowboy boots. Very nice tan. Sprawled out on the blanket in innumerably fetching positions. MMMMMM.........................

(wait, where was I?? Oh yeah.)

So this brings me to why I must beg for your forgiveness. I HAD NO CAMERA. Nope. I was rushing around all morning trying to have everything I needed for both events and the camera thing just completely slipped my mind. And hence I have no pictures of the bands I saw (Steve Holy, Jamie O'Neil, Wynonna), no pictures of all the outrageously sunburned or badly dressed people, and (*head hang in shame*) no picture of the Hottest of the Hot. Nope. I have failed you and not lived up to my "Stalker" title. And for that I apologize.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Lovin' the Online Dating Sites (Not!)

More men I'll be passing up (because I'm crazy like that!!! :))

No girlly mon in heer.. (not far from u)

[okay, this one I needed to view a bit closer in the hopes that the ad itself would provide me with more of a clue as to what the hell he was saying in the title.]

Like I says, I'm no gurlly man.I know you dreem about my haard hot boddy.If yuu r lucky I wil, pick you or all of u. so call back at me yahaaa. O.yeaa ladies i also have a big a vardey larg bannanna.I could relly stuff your turcky if u now what i meen.HAHAHA send me your piciture and illshows u

[yeah, well ... guess I should have just stopped at the title, eh?? :)]

new to the market after 6 years of hell. lookin for a honest female - 27 (Beaverton)

[can you say "lots and LOTS of baggage"????]

hellow ladys ready for summer? check this out - 40 (salem)

[you're 40 and you can't spell "hello"?? (or "ladies" either but really ... "hello"? I'm just sayin']

[so I clicked on his ad ... of course. Because it just screamed "blog fodder"!!!]

hey ladys want to go for the ride of your life. and Im good looking. well Im waiting.

[okay, if you know there is a picture of a car to follow then you would perhaps naturally assume that "the ride of your life" might involve a Ferrari or a Lamborghini or a classic Jaguar or something really cool, right?? Wrong. Here's his idea of the car to be "the ride of your life". Just sad really.]

Okay, enough of the Craigslist guys. How about a little bit on the emails I've received recently?

Okay, here's an excerpt from a recent one:

ello im a single whoite male very careing and giving and honest. i dont play mind games at all. what you see is what you get. i have a cam im on yahoo right now if you would like to see me

[please note I did NOT cut off the first "h" of his paragraph. Yes, that's TWO who cannot spell "hello" today. And perhaps I'm not very web savvy but what's this whole "i have a cam im on yahoo" thing? Should "cam" be "photo"? Or does he mean "I have a web cam and I am on yahoo right now"? Either way ... uh, no thanks!]

And my favorite ... of which I don't have the actual text because I deleted it in disgust right away ... would be along the lines of:

I can make you *** [think "Big 'O'"] in less than 4 minutes. Email me.

[of course, his version went into a little more depth and (I'm fairly certain) was not spelled well .... but in this case he became blog fodder based solely on the context]

Sigh. So those are the recent picks. Though of course I do receive one or two emails from men that seem normal (I said "seem"!). Even meeting one tonight (STRESS!). Wish me luck!

Thursday, July 21, 2005

A Little Texas Levity

Texas Law Enforcement*


A Richardson, TX policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders but wasn't getting much "business". Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then discovered a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucketful of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade.)


A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano, TX. A $40 speeding ticket was enclosed. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.


A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she smiled and said "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball."

He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls."

There hung a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized just what
he'd said. He closed his ticket book, got back into his patrol car and drove off.

She was laughing too hard to start her car.

*Thanks to L for forwarding me this joke!

Because Reality sometimes sucks

...and it's depressing to hear about more bomb explosions in London (you SUCK, Terrorists ... there is NO excuse for doing that kinda stuff ever. EVER) and so I am serving up shallow, meaningless celebrity gossip as a cheesy diversion. (Who ME? in Denial? ... What? Never.)

First up this week:

Sandra Bullock gets married to Monster Garage's Jesse James

Okay, work with me, Sandy (she let's me call her "Sandy"*). Let's review ... you had this......

but instead you went with this.....

What the F?? SERIOUSLY! Hello?... Matthew McConaughey to Jesse James. Sigh. I mean, I'm sure Jesse is a great guy and all (okay, well maybe I'm not really sure .. what based on that picture and all ... but at least he did leave his porn star wife for you (ack)) ...... but M.A.T.T.H.E.W. M.C.C.O.N.A.U.G.H.E.Y. I'm just sayin'. I couldn't even just pick ONE picture ... I had to go with three.

So talk to me next time before you do something so crazy, would ya?!

Next up:

Jude Law admits cheating with nanny

Seriously, Sienna, did you not see this one coming? I mean, if he wasn't cheating on his wife Sadie with you when ya'll were filming Alfie (now I have no proof of this ... but I AM highly suspicious) then the rumor mill regarding his philandering ways at that time should have clued you in. Really.

I mean, I know, I know ... that damn bed head look he's got going on in Alfie is yummy to say the least. But he's a cheater. Don't be falling for a cheater. You deserve better. Really. And the bright side is you found out now before ya'll were legal. AND you got to enjoy the Judeness for quite some time. (of which I must admit I am disgustingly jealous). Because, uh yeah ... very yummy.

But bad, Jude. Bad.

Ah, the Col-ster....

Colin Farrell and His Sex Tape

My favorite quote from this article is:

"The lawsuit also says the release of the videotape would irreparably harm Farrell's reputation and career, and he is demanding that all copies of the tape be returned to him."

His reputation? Uh HELLO! His reputation is of a "bad boy". Isn't this par for the course?!.

I'm thinking the issue isn't his "reputation and career" ... it's probably one of two things:

a) Wee Willy Winky is actually Wee. (poor da Colin) OR
b)The sex tape is only 15 minutes. That's turning on the video, foreplay, the actual "act" and the recuperating enough to get the energy to go turn off the video camera. Seriously Col .... that's just sad. Ya'll even knew you were taping it for all of posterity. Which I would think would mean that you would put more effort into it. And yet still ... it's only 15 minutes. Sigh. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Why that IS embarrassing.

This one I'm happy about:

Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson Engaged ... Again?

Because if there are two people perfect for each other .... these are it! So ya'll get married again for the third time, have mucho sex, beat the crap outta each other (just not in front of the kids) and spare two other people out there from either of your's craziness. Please.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes:

Ya'll didn't think there wouldn't be any new news on Tom and Katie, now did ya?! Of COURSE not ... because there is no escape from The Tom (and Katie) Show. Sigh.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Want a Baby

Aren't ya'll carrying this sham a little far?! Please stop now. You're distracting all the gossip seekers from the more interesting story of Brad and Jolie. K? (They must admit at some point that they're a couple ... they must. I mean, we all know.)

Which leads me to this depressing thought. So when women like Jennifer Aniston, Sienna Miller and Elizabeth Hurley (ie can you say all "
drop dead gorgeous"?) get cheated on by men .... what chances do us normal folk have??! Yeah. (HEY ... who let Reality back in??)

* OH FINE! She doesn't "let" me but since we don't know each other ... and in all likelihood never will ... who's to tell?? :). Ya'll won't, right? Right! See. :)

One of THOSE days

Anyone ever have one of those days where say you need to be at work extra early because you have a vet appointment after work that you need extra time to get across town to (with a pitstop to get the kitty, of course) followed immediately by a tennis match in a totally different part of the city so you have no. time. to. spare. whatsoever. at. all. that. day. And your status is "hourly" at your job so 'if you don't do the time then you don't get the dime' so to speak.

But instead of making it into work early you actually somehow managed to shut your alarm off in your sleep and not actually wake up until you are already LATE for work?

Anyone? Anyone?

No? ... oh .... me neither.


Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Widespread Panic

So I'm in the lady's loo at work a few minutes ago and am washing my hands (that's right ... my mama taught me well) and as I reach for a paper towel I spot something amiss in the mirror out of the corner of my eye. There is something on the seat of my pants!! Nice, right?!! I immediately recognize it as one of those small round plastic stickers that stores put on pants to indicate the size. Ya know: S, M, L, XL.

Now, some thoughts that may run through a normal person's mind in a situation like this might be:

"Now how did that get there?"

or perhaps:

"Gee, I wonder how long I've been walking around with that on my hiney."

But do I think either of those thoughts?? No.

My first thought: "Man, I hope that doesn't say XL!!"*

*for the record, it said M (whew!) :)

Book signings and Nonsense

So I went to Powell's* last night with T (hi T!) to attend a book signing by Elizabeth Kostova, the new author who wrote 'The Historian'. Folks, this is her FIRST. EVER. BOOK. It shot to number two on the New York Times Bestseller's list only three weeks after publication. And has been translated for 20 different countries already. HOLY SCHNICKETY!

But anyway, so T and I stalked her** and now have autographed first copies!!! (woot :)) Book looks great - she read a bit from the first chapter - and I will tell you how it is once I finish. (If you've already read the book .... "la la la, la la la ... I'm not listening!" ... make sure not to ruin it for the rest of us ... like some of those bastards were trying to do at the book signing!)

Here's a little info on it if'n you're interested.

The Historian

But so anyway, while waiting to pay, I'm browsing titles of books Powell's has near the checkout counter. This one caught my eye:

Does anyone else see a problem with this? It's a book on how to read a book. Hmmmmmm. Is it just me or should this have perhaps been released on cd or tape instead?? Just sayin'.

*for those of you who aren't local to Portland, Powell's is the best book store EVER. Really! Even Elizabeth was saying how excited she was to be signing there. (I know, I know ... blah, blah, blah ... of course she's going to say that to suck up to us locals ... but I'm telling you ... it truly is the best bookstore ever. It's HUGE and they sell used books right in amongst the new. It's awesome! (I believe you, Elizabeth!!!))

** See? I'm an equal opportunity stalker (EOS). I just don't stalk the young pretties. (errr, uhh .. sorry Elizabeth) (ya'll know what I mean)

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

This Week's Crazy News

The support group for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome in Nelson, New Zealand, announced that it would support in principle the illness-publicizing International Awareness Day on May 12 even though its members would probably not participate in the commemorative activities because they are often too tired for such things. [Nelson Mail, 5-11-05]

The Rotary Club of Chatham, New Brunswick, announced in May that the grand prize in its raffle to help build a new environmental awareness center would be a Hummer. [Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, 6-22-05]

Federal agents who were interviewing Gerald T. Williams, 34, about possible child pornography at his home in St. Louis, said that in the course of the interview, a screen saver featuring child-sex images happened to appear on Williams's computer. (Williams pleaded guilty in June.) [St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 7-1-05]

Monday, July 18, 2005

Etiquette question for ya.

So, what is the proper etiquette with regard to heading down the hall to use the little girl's room, noticing that the door sign indicates it is vacant (it's a one person restroom ... only a toilet and sink lock the door behind ya to keep others out), walking in to said bathroom and finding a coworker screetching as they see me enter because they are sitting on the toilet doing their business?

Is it:

A) Stand there while pointing and laughing.
B) Apologize and step outside to guard the door for them until they are done (since the toilet is on the FAR side of the room and they aren't exactly in a spot to get up and lock it themselves at this point).
C) Turn bright red, back out while mumbling incoherently "my eyes, my eyes", go downstairs to the other restroom and avoid them forever after at work.

C?? Good.

Friday, July 15, 2005

New technology amazes me!

HOLY COW!!!! How crazy is this?! A tv that projects different images depending on your viewing angle. What will they think up next???

Sharp Develops 'Two-Way Viewing-Angle' LCD
By YURI KAGEYAMA, AP Business Writer Fri Jul 15, 9:13 AM ET

At last, a way to end squabbles over which TV channel to watch — without buying a second set. Sharp Corp. has developed a liquid-crystal display that shows totally different images to people viewing the screen from the left and the right.

One person can be surfing the Internet, using the display as a PC screen, while another watches a downloaded movie or TV broadcast. It also works for watching two TV channels: One person can watch baseball while another watches a soap opera.

I mean, I know I'm easily distracted by shiny things ... but I can't be the only one that thinks this is pretty out there. (or can I?? :))

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Pom Pom

Curses to my sister for continuing to send me cute baby kitty pictures! I must have one. MUST!


Look how cute!!!!!!!

It's official ... No Name Kitty now has a name. This is Pom Pom. Say "hiiiiiii Pom Pom".

Very cute picture. Though, sis, note the extended claws. Do I see a little Emma hiding in there??

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Huffing?...or just smelling the desserty goodness?

Okay, to anyone that diets ... ya know the torture of not being allowed that desserty goodness ... or carby goodness ... or sugary goodness ... or alcohly goodness, right?! Right. It's HELL (curses to all ya'll naturally skinny people! CURSES!!).

So, could it not just be that this lady was having a "MUST. HAVE. WHIPPED. CREAM" attack and was simply inhaling the whipped creamery goodness in the hopes of satisfying said M.H.W.C. attack without actually eating any??? Ya know, the way one might do with say ... chocolate cake. Or a pan of fresh baked brownies. Or pizza. Or warm and melty chocolate chip cookies!! Or, or ...a full caloried Starbuck's mocha frappuccino! Or a basket of fresh. warm. french. bread. with. whipped. garlic. butter. MMMMMM.......

(oh, where was I???)

Oh, right, right ..... so what do you think?

Psychologist Arrested for Huffing in Store
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
WEST HARTFORD, Conn. — An expert in eating disorders collapsed in a supermarket after inhaling propellant from whipped cream cans, according to police.
Lisa G. Berzins, a prominent psychologist who has been on national television and radio shows and in newspaper articles, was arrested on a warrant Friday charging her in the May 29 incident, The Hartford Courant reported.
Berzins, 49, has a practice in West Hartford. She has written and lectured on eating disorders, female development, sex roles and self-esteem, according a speaker's biography from the American Psychological Association.

Yeah, probably not, huh?! ... hehe.

Poor her. The inhaling of the desserty goodness I can get behind .... not so much with the huffing. Well, unless it's on yarn. Right, T?

But on a happier note......

Did I mention that my shoes are in?!!?! They are! They are!! Hi Shoes!! How are you?!!!! You are just so dang cute. I love you, Shoes. LOVE YOU! I would be wearing you today but the weather man said that there was a 0.0001 percent chance of rain and so I could not risk you getting all wet! But we will be having MUCH fun together soon! K? K! See you tonight!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Any decent single Oregon men? Anyone??

Okay, I just read this news blurb:

Willie Windsor, 54, of Phoenix has for several years lived as a full-time baby, wearing frilly dresses, diapers and bonnets, sucking on a pacifier, eating Gerber cuisine, and habitually clutching a rag doll, in a home filled with oversized baby furniture. According to a long Phoenix New Times profile in June, the diaper is not just a prop. Windsor said he worked hard to become incontinent, even chaining the commode shut to avoid temptation, and the reporter admitted feeling "disconcert(ed)" that Windsor might be relieving himself at the very moment he was describing his un-toilet training. Apparently, Windsor's brother, ex-wife, girlfriend and a neighbor tolerate his lifestyle (though no girlfriend has yet been willing to change his diapers). Windsor is a semi-retired singer-actor and said he's been celibate for nine years. [Phoenix New Times, 6-9-05]

.......and my one thought (other than feeling the need to shower, and shower, and shower some more) was that I'm surprised this guy hasn't emailed me as a potential suitor!!

Yep, I kid you not ... the dating world is THAT bad. Cuz I tell ya ... the only men emailing me lately have been real loo-loos.

Here's a rundown of my most recent potential suitors:

Guy #1 aka Psycho: said he works for a mental health facility ... but by his picture I'm guessing he's a patient. Seriously. Plus he used the phrase "They allow me improvisation along w/behavioral techniques at work" Uh-huh. They "allow" you. Isn't that a telling phrase. I think so. Do they also allow you visitors every Sunday from 1pm to 4pm??

Guy #2 aka Old* Far-away Guy: he is 49 yr old and lives in NY. Hello?! New York?? Perhaps you didn't notice that I'm 37 and live in Portland OREGON. Yes, Oregon ... that's THREE THOUSAND miles away. You aren't even moving. Nor am I. So the point would be?

Guy #3 aka Mr Edjucated: he said he is "compationate", "spontianious", "layed back" and enjoys living life to the "fullist". He is looking for someone to treat him "with kindnest and compation". Spelling is apparently a pet-peeve of mine. I understand the occasional errors ... but HELLO ... when you're emailing someone for the VERY FIRST TIME ... can ya NOT use a spell checker?? Just suggestin'. Ya know, that whole "first impression" thing?

Guy #4 aka Mr Picture Worth a 1000 Words:

'Nuff said, right?! WRONG! You should ALSO know that Mr 49 Yr Old Skull Shirt didn't even want a relationship. Nope, just sex. Yee-doggie! Where do I sign up???!!! (help me, peeps!)

Sigh. Depressing, ain't it?! So am I overlooking something in one of these four guys or is it really THAT BAD?!

* Okay, I realize that 49 is not OLD. Cuz it isn't. However, it is 12 years older than me. So 49 year olds hitting on 37 year olds is like me specifically trolling for 25 year old men. And that's just ick (though 25 year old men trolling for me is A-OK). HEY NOW ... I hear ya'll talking about my stalking of the young pretties. But HELLO ... stalking is different than trolling. It is to! Stalking does not involve the actual propositioning of the young pretties. Nope. Just the surreptitious touching and picture taking. And maybe some internal propositioning and panting. See, totally different!

Monday, July 11, 2005

My FIRST EVER knitted hat!!!

Whoo hoooooooooo.

So now that I have ten gajillion knitted scarves ... I FINALLY finally learned how to knit a hat. (Thanks T1* for teaching me The Hat). So I just finished and had to show ya'll the finished product!!! Isn't it BEA-U-TI-MUS??!!!

It is, right?! Whoo hooo!

I did a hat! I did a hat! I did a hat!!!!!!!

(*insert happy dance*)

But wait, what's that?... ya'll want to see a picture of it on?!!

Yeah. I'd knew you'd want that. Damn you!

FINE!!! So .......

.... I did a yamika! I did a yamika! I did a yamika!!!


(Help, T1, help!!!!)

* T1 - I was going to use your real name but I figured after you got a gander at the finished product you wouldn't want to be associated with it!!! ;)

Crazy Thai Farmers!

Is it wrong that I am jealous that cows (yes, you heard me ... cows) had a more lavish wedding (oh, you heard THAT right too) than I did?!! I mean, TWO THOUSAND guests!!!!! And check out the dowry ... what the hell???!

Cattle Wed in 2,000-Guest Thai Ceremony

Pair of Rare Dwarf Brahman Cattle Wed Before 2,000 Human Guests, Several Other Animals in Thailand

BANGKOK, Thailand Jul 11, 2005 — Farmer Amphol Wangboon was hesitant to give up his beloved Thong Khaow for marriage until he found her the perfect match and a dowry he couldn't refuse: truckloads of fresh grass, hay, maize and $2,400.

So Thong Khaow and her new mate, Thong Kham a pair of rare dwarf Brahman cattle were married Sunday morning in a traditional Thai ceremony featuring a banquet for more than 2,000 human guests in central Sa Kaew province.

The animals wore silk outfits and jasmine garlands. Other beasts, including goats, also attended the wedding.

Amphol said Thong Kham's owner, Krachang Kanokprasert, offered him the cash and the feed dowry as part of the wedding festivities.

"I wasn't going to sell her she's a special find but Krachang said he would take care of her and wanted the couple for a display in front of his restaurant," Amphol said. "If he takes good care of her, I don't mind giving her to him."

Of course, with two thousand guests, plenty of alcohol, videographers ...........and goats ....does anyone else see a potential Embarrassing Video Situation here? (run goats run)

Friday, July 08, 2005

More CL personal ads

Okay folks. So I stayed away from the Craigslist personal ads for a couple of weeks in the hopes (that would be "foolish" hopes) that the ads would miraculously improve. Sigh. Dang wishful thinking.

Here are just a few of today's beauts for your reading pleasure:

I'M STUPID! - 51 [great! Just what I was looking for. Who wants Mr Right when you can have Mr Stupid!?! Sigh.]

Good looking Man Seeking Woman With Teeth and Hair - 35 [ah, I love a man with high standards!]

Moving back, sad, emotional support needed - 31 [oh, HELL NO]

I will kill myself if I don't find a regular date - 20s to 30s [Can you say ... loser??]

there is nothing right to say here but I wanna tell you anyway - 48 [Huh?!]

Any Big Breasted Women Need $upport and Much Much More???? [you mean, any "big boobed prostitutes"??]

younger woman 4ltr with lots of kinky no holes barred - 47 [uhhh, ya'll can insert your own .... errr, fill in your own .... errr .... make up your own comment here cuz I don't wanna touch this one!]

Thursday, July 07, 2005

I was a groupie in a prior life

Must have been ... because I LOVE going to concerts and stalking the band members... oh yes I do! Errrr, and when I say "stalking" ... I mean only the "cute, fun, harmless and COMPLETELY LEGAL" kinda stalking of course. Uh-huh. Cuz I can tell you that this guy .......

...who thought he could get a date with Anna Nalick by wearing a banana mask at her concert (cuz who doesn't like to be reminded of the childhood nickname "Anna Banana"???)... reeked of "ILLEGAL, SCARY" STALKER! In fact, I'm pretty sure that's why she didn't stick around after the show to meet and greet ... would you with this guy there? Yeah, me neither. Freak!! And why, WHY Mr Gi-gan-tor Banana Freak, must you stand in front of all the short people!?! I mean, it wasn't like Anna was going to miss seeing you from the back of the dance floor, dude, cuz you're 10 feet tall and had a freakin' banana mask on!!!! Seriously! You creeped me out AND pissed me off. That ain't so easy to do.

BUT .... he left the stage area as soon as Anna did (run Anna run!) and so I was able to enjoy AND see the other performers! And look who DID stick around after the show. The Afters! They rocked! And were SUPER nice! And oh so cute. Mmm mmm. So I had to touch*! And yes, I'm going to hell for sure for stalking these pretties** because not only are they young 'uns ... but they are churchees (who knew?? ... not I). Sigh. Bad me. But look at them ...can ya blame me?! :) And doesn't that guy second in from the left remind you of Berger from Sex And The City??

(and yes, please note I had to blur out my face. One would think that might be for anonymity. But no, no .... it's because I am the LEAST PHOTOGENIC PERSON EVER and hate that I can't post these pics of me with bands EVERYWHERE as is. Sigh. But these pics were too cute to not show at all so ..... blur it is! And perhaps I will post a few others from concerts past now that I know how to blur. Woot!)

And THEN after The Afters and Anna Nalick played, Keith Kane and Matt Scannell from Vertical Horizon played acoustically! Yeee doggie! Check out this picture of Matt.

(*wolf whistle*)

They were AWESOME and looked like they were just having such a great time up there! So I had to stalk afterwards. HAD TO!!! I ADORE Keith! I love his style (and I loved, loved, loved his shoes ... and told him so cuz yeah ... I'm a dork!) and he is the biggest sweetheart. Keith, if you're out there ... drop me an e, baby! (And who the hell do you remind me of, dude? Cuz ya do ... of someone I once knew I think. ARGH! Curse this bad memory!! It's driving me crazy!!!).

But anyway
, isn't that a great pic? And don't ya'll think we'd make a cute couple?? I mean, afterall, he wears great shoes. I like great shoes. He makes great music. I like great music. See, we're perfect together!! (okay, was that borderline "scary" stalker? It was, wasn't it?! Damnit! (Run Keith Run!!!!) :))

Bottom line, folks ... I HIGHLY recommend seeing any and all of these bands. Not only is the music fan-tab-u-lous ... but, more importantly, each and every band had someone very worthy of stalking!!! ;)

*thanks to Tracy for having huge, huge cajones or most of these pics would not exist for me to share! You rock, Tracy!!!

** "pretties" = cute men worthy of stalking ;)

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Ruh-roh ... I want one!!!!!

Help me, peeps!! My sister just sent me this pic of her brand spanking new kitty! Now I want one!!! LOOOOOOK HOW CUTE!!!!!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!

Hi Little Kitty Kitty With No Name Yet!!! I'm your Auntie! And if you lived in the same state as me I would STEAL you for my very own! Oh yes I would!!!!

Or better yet ... Joyce, how about a trade? You send me the new kitty and I'll send ya Emma ...what do ya say?! :)
(I'm JUST kidding, Emma ... please don't kill me in my sleep tonight!).

Has beens, proposals and fun!

So my friend Tracy and I headed to the Spin Doctors concert last week! The Spin Doctors ... do you guys remember them? Had that fab song "Two Princes" that I was sooo addicted to for the longest time. Never saw them in concert way back when so thought it would be a hoot to see them now.

Uhhh ... yeah.

So we get there and they're playing at a little theater called The Aladdin. It's a great venue but an odd place to see bands because it is a small auditorium filled with permanent seats facing the small stage and there is a small dance floor between the stage and the first row of seats.
Tracy and I are there early enough that we are front row center. No one on the dance floor. Hardly anyone there at all .... maybe 100 people. Maybe. Not even close to filling the bottom level up (there is a balcony as well which was closed off (and hence empty) for this event). Ack!

Fast forward to concert time. So the band comes on stage and people applaud .. politely.. ... as they continue sitting in their seats .... which again, are far back from the stage. The stage lighting is bad .... can you say "4 old guys just playing at a high school gymnasium" bad??. I just kept cringing with the embarrassment for them! ARGH! It just SCREAMED "has beens"???? Plus, PLUS ... I had had the opportunity to see Lifehouse* play at a different venue instead that night but didn't. I'm thinking WHYYYYYYYYYY .... and is it too late to make my escape and head over there?!!!!

Finally, some odd duck gets up to dance near the stage. Good. Then two more folks. Great. But really ... only three people while the rest of us sit and politely watch the show! This is supposed to be a rock concert folks!!!!! ARGHHHHHH!

Anyway, FINALLY, after probably three songs, the lead singer (Chris Barron) comes up with a BRILLIANT suggestion. He suggest we all get up and stand at the stage, thereby filling in the dance floor. WHEW! Good idea ... now I can be immersed in this crowd and not be so embarrassed for the band. But now ... wait ... what's this ... I'm at the front and dead center with the crappy lighting blaring on me! ARGH! Plus I'm sooo close that I have to pan and scan to see each band member. And each band member is SO close that they see where I'm looking. Now I know most NORMAL people would not be uncomfortable with this ... but you have to understand ... I'm short and dead center. Dead center in front of me and at eye level is ............ the lead singer's crotch! ACK!

(there was NO way to discreetly take a pic when he was right up on me ... so this is him a few feet away. But you can imagine when he moved closer, can't ya?!)

I mean, it was RIGHT THERE for most of the concert. I was so close that if he was singing in front of me I had to look almost straight up to see him singing ... but ... some songs were long and well ..... my neck got a crick. See? Stressful.

And when he wasn't right over me I was free to look at the other band members. But Mr Guitar Player (Eric Schenkman) had leather pants on. And the leather pants had some funky colored lacing ... where else ... but at his crotch! So the eyes just grativated there. So I had to keep catching myself to look elsewhere. Must look elsewhere!! Must! But Eric was fascinating to watch anyway for two reasons: A) baggy leather pants is that possible?? (Dude, seriously, eat a sandwich, would ya?!). B) I don't know how he didn't fall down. He has like rubber legs or something. So I kept watching, waiting ... lol (but he didn't)

So anyway, the concert was a hoot! It was AWESOME to see "Two Princes" live! Plus I got to see a marriage proposal. Some guy canoodled Chris into letting him stop the concert before Two Princes and propose to his girlfriend on stage. See?

It was sweet (albeit kinda cheesy)...... and she said "yes"! :)

So nice job Spin Doctors! I had fun. You did a great job of bringing the crowd on board with ya (and at first it just didn't look like that was going to be possible). I wish you much luck with your new album! Oh, and errrrrr ....sorry about staring at your crotches! ;)

*who is the FRICKIN' concert scheduler here in Portland?? Hmmm?? Hmmmm? Because I've got a bone to pick with you, buddy! You've done this to me TWICE now! First you had Velvet Revolver (with Hoobastank no less) play opposite The Killers. And now .. NOW ... you add Lifehouse after I already have my Spin Doctors tickets. What the hell is wrong with you?? Bastard! I was available that next Tuesday tonight. Why couldn't you have done Lifehouse TUESDAY NIGHT?! WHY????????

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Because I've been L-A-Z-Y .....

... and have not quite yet done the concert posts nor any posts with regard to weekend fun ... I thought I'd share a cute thing about Emma (hard to believe but she can be cute upon occasion (just stay clear of the claws)).

Anyway, she LOVES to "help" make the bed. And her definition of "help make the bed" would be to attack the sheets as you try to put the sheets on.

See? Notice the hugely dialated eyes. She takes this job of hers VERY seriously!!