Monday, May 30, 2005

Scarf pic by request

By request (thanks Ms C) here's a pic of the scarf I've been working on ... oh .. forever! I figure at about two rows done every other day ... I should be done by Christmas! (perfect!! :)).

Actually, I've actually gotten it to about the length I want (ie I'm bored with it now and want to start something new .. hehe) but because it's been soooooo long since I finished a project I've forgotten how to close it off! Hence I keep knitting. Is a 10 ft scarf too long??? :)

p.s. Yes! It IS supposed to look hole-y.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Holy cow!

I get on the computer this morning and am browsing some of today's news and come across the following headlines:

London's Big Ben Goes Silent
Lake Pulls a Disappearing Act in Russia (an entire lake actually disappeared in just a matter of hours, folks!!)

I'm thinking ... "holy cow ... what's next ... "Here come da locusts"??? I mean ... REALLY. What bizarro news.

But then ... just before I actually get up from the computer to stick my head outside and see if the sky is INDEED falling ... I find this headline.....

Introducing the chocolate candy diet...

That's right ... not only is everything okay ... but LIFE IS GOOD!!!! :)

Friday, May 27, 2005

Inimitably inimical

That's right ... you heard me ... "inimitably inimical". That's a phrase some idiot customer used in an email to our customer support department today. He is the MOST pompous a-hole*, I swear!!

Here it is in context:

As always, thank you for another dose of the exquisite pleasure of
the inimitably inimical (software application name) experience.

Oh yes, by the way, if any of your programmers could be troubled to
get us a usable version, say with a feature/defect ratio higher than
1.0, of the ODBC functionality that we have paid you $thousands
for, within say, the next couple of centuries, that would be much
appreciated. We are standing by; if no answer to the ever-
imminent delivery bell, please rap a little louder on our sarcophagi.

Thank you and have a nice day,

Who writes such RUDE emails to people when reporting some difficulties with a new version of an application?? (they aren't even BUGS ... he's just not familiar with how the new version works). And it's not like he's been dealing with our company on this issue for WEEKS and has just grown SO frustrated .... this is the first time we've heard from him this year!

Seriously .... WHO DOES THAT?!

Anyway, just my little inimitably inimical rant. (yeah, don't THINK that's not my new favorite phrase. Hope ya like it because ya'll (all two of you! ;)) will be hearing it quite frequently from now on! (or at least READING it quite frequently. Cuz it's not really a phrase that easily rolls off the tongue, ya understand!)

So, in closing ... guess who ISN'T getting quick assistance with their problem? Anyone? Anyone?? Bueller?? Bueller?? That's right. Mr A-hole!

* sorry mom but he deserves it.

Sheer brilliance

(a classic internet story)

According to a recent radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem.

A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom mirror.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Each night, the maintenance man would clean off the mirrors, only to find a fresh set of lipstick prints to clean the next night.

Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

One moral of story: There are teachers and then there are TEACHERS.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Good vs Evil

Okay, so I may have mentioned once or twice (or a gajillion times!) already how much I adore my kitty CJ. I have also alluded to having another cat .... "the other one" as I so lovingly call her. So ... I was thinking that this favoritism needed some explaining ...

So ... here's my kitty Emma. Cute right?

She looks pretty...maybe even a tad .... oh I don't know ... loving and adorable ... Right? Riggggghhhht. Don't be fooled, peeps ... don't be fooled.

So first picture = cute. Kitty is relaxed (minus the one claw she has already poking into my chair upon my approach). But really ...she's just sacking out. Now take a gander at picture two!

Okay,in this picture (and remember folks ... ALL I did here was snap ONE picture prior to this) notice all claws out on both paws (my poor chair) and notice tail position ... it is mid-irritated-twitch. Yep, here come da evil.

So, I'm a good kitty mom (heh) and didn't want da Emma evil to get fully unleashed so I moved up to her to give her a QUICK (ie 1/2 second.. I SWEAR) pet on the head and leave when ......... (see picture three)....


She unleased the evil kitty paw on me (notice claws OUT ).
And LOOK AT THAT FACE, people!!

Angry, ANGRY kitty. (Undoubtedly because she MISSED me when she swiped at me!) Damn cat!

So I leave her ... walk into the kitchen ... and there (aaaaahhhhh) I find this:

I mean, JUST LOOK at HOW CUTE!!! No evil. Not one iota. Just that "hello mom. here I stand in front of the fridge ... how about some turkey?!" . ("why CERTAINLY my little baby, baby, baby ..... coochie coo") (yes, it's a sickness .. shut it!)

So let's recap, shall we??

Cute. Nay, dare I say it? ..... ADORABLE!!

Evil. "I'm gonna kill ya tonight in your sleep (mwahahahahaha)!"

Baby CJ ....... OMG CUTE!

Satan in white fur!!

Ta da. Now you're all up to date.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

The shopping cart

While on the subject of stores I can no longer frequent ....

So my friend Buck* and I are browsing the local Freddies**. We've got a shopping cart, have browsed a few things, have placed quite a number of large items in our cart and are now stopped on the throw rug aisle perusing the selection. I'm undecided (have you found a theme in me yet peeps?? :)) and can't decide between the one Buck already owns and a similar but funkier one. Buck really wants me to get the one he has but can see that I'm going to be awhile trying to decide so he leaves me vascillating between the two while he wanders off to continue shopping. I finally decide on the funkier one (sorry Buck!), cram this into the cart and head off to browse elsewhere.

So I'm browsing, I'm browsing, I'm browsing, I'm browsing, I'm browsing. I think I've hit the seasonal aisles, the clothing section, the garden area and some of the housewares. On my way to another section I spot Buck towards the back of the store and so head back to touch base and deal with the exclamation of "WHAT?!" from him because I'm buying the other rug.

As I approach, I see his eyes shift from me to the cart I'm pushing and so I keep watching his face with an amused smile on my lips as I wait to see his reaction to my rug choice. So I'm waiting. I'm waiting. I'm waiting. But his eyes are remaining absolutely GLUED to the cart. But I'm stubborn ... I can wait (don't think I can't!).

So I wait. I wait. I wait. NUTHIN'! BUPKUS!! NADA!!!
So I wait some more.

(foot tap, foot tap, foot tap)

STILL nothing!! WTF?!!

SO ... (being that I lied to you folks about being able to wait (my middle name is DEFINITELY not "Patience")) ...... I look down into the cart to see what the hell he's staring at with such a confused expression on his face (I mean, how difficult is it to deal with me buying a different rug here, people??). Only, I find myself dumbfounded as well. Why OH WHY are the only items in THIS cart a neatly folded pair of men's Dockers and a pair of sunglasses placed dead center on top of them! HOLY CRAP! Oh, I know why ..... because

And so I ask ..... with the reddest face EVER long have I been pushing some stranger's cart around???? What the hell happened to our cart???? And how did I not even notice??? (truly! ... ours was overflowing with stuff!!! While obviously this one was not!)

I mean, SERIOUSLY ... it would appear that I took this cart way back in the clothing section (based on the articles of clothing in this cart) ... so I've been pushing this stranger's cart around for a good ... oh ... 20 minutes or so? That's CRAZY!

But a more important question is ..... what do I do with the cart NOW?! Personally I want to ditch it here at the back of the store and pretend I don't know what happened (good manners leap RIGHT out the window when one is completely red-faced, people!!!). BUT .... dang Buck thinks I should take it back at least to the clothing section (NOW he chooses to be a man of principle ... damn him!) Plus he wants our cart because of the items he has in it.

Sooooo, as paranoid as I am that I'll be caught by the owner of the mystery cart, I grudgingly agree. So we quickly stroll back towards the clothing section and AS SOON AS (I'm talking I see one shirt twenty feet away!) we are close I leave the cart (yes, mid aisle) and keep walking, not even missing a stride.

So we keep walking while trying to ("nonchalantly" as I keep hissing to Buck under my breath) look for our cart in the process. But before we can find it ... I spot
THE stranger. Yep, definitely him .... he's walking towards us and I'm thinking he's NOT looking very happy (oops). After again pleadingly whispering to Buck to look oblivious, we pass the stranger without giving on to our knowledge of why he's glaring at everyone with his venomous look of suspicion (again, sorry Mr Stranger .... my bad).

Luckily, in his wake, I spot
our cart (also mid-aisle I'd like to note) and we grab that up (after Mr Stranger has turned the corner) and book it outta the store!!!!!!!! (after paying of course!!!) :)

And that is why I won't frequent that particular Freddies anymore!

*"Buck" is not his real name ... just the name he said I could use for him in my blog. And no ... I did not ask him if his pseudo last name was "Nekked"! I am, however, guessing that if I HAD he would have said "yes"!

**"Freddies" (slang for Fred Meyers) is a grocery/clothing/housewares/yarn/garden center/etc kinda store. On par with a Tar-jay ... with just more stuff!

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Monday, May 23, 2005

No more Safeway

Okay, now that I've had my meds (ie a healthy dose of chocolate to bring me back to my happy place! ;)) ... I figured I'd tell you the story about why I can no longer shop at my neighborhood Safeway.

So I love my kitty CJ. I mean, how can you not?!... just look at how cute she is!!

Say it with me folks .... "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh". That's right ... and add a little "coochie coo". (too much?! Are ya sure?? Sigh .... FINE!!)

Now CJ loves turkey. And when I say she "loves" turkey ... I mean she LOVES turkey. She even knows the word "turkey" and everything! How do you think I got her to pose for that picture. She'd be sitting there looking around "la la la .... la la la" and when I was ready I'd say "turkey" and WHAP! ... instant focus on ME (and hence the camera)! *snap* Easy-peasy. Errr, but I digress.

So ANYWAY, now that CJ has been diagnosed with a liver illness she is on a very restricted diet. BUT ... she can still have the turkey! (hallelujah! .... because it's the best. bribe. ever.!)

SO ... I make a stop at my local Safeway to pick up some turkey from the deli for her (shut it! ..... yes she IS spoiled! What's your point?!). So I'm browsing the turkey selection and have narrowed it down to two choices .... the plain ole "deli" turkey or the smoked turkey breast. Now I realize she prefers the smoked turkey (again ... shut it!) but I'm wondering if the "smoked" portion wouldn't be good for her. So really, I should get the plain. But she just doesn't LIKE the plain as much. And since I'm also trying to get her to gain some weight. Sigh. It's a quandary.

Okay, so here's the part about why I can't go back. I'm standing at the counter for MINUTES ...staring undecidedly into the deli case when the nice deli clerk* finally approaches and politely queries "may I help you?". I reply "Oh, I'm still trying to decide between the smoked and the regular." She's all "would you like to try a sample of each?". And I reply ... without thinking ..unfortunately .... "oh no thank you ..... it's for my cat"!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello??!! Can you say "CRAZY CAT LADY"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And that is why I can no longer shop at my neighborhood Safeway!

* whom I hope to never, ever see again!

Mini rant

Is it just me folks or does it make sense to anyone else that if you're going to post your house for sale on the internet that you should include the F'IN* ASKING PRICE in your post??!!! Seriously! How HARD is that, people?! The basics ....... how many bedrooms, how many bathrooms, the square footage, the location and the F'IN price!!!!!!!!!! Certainly that's not asking too much, is it??! Sheesh!

I'm just sayin'.

* in case my mom ever reads this that "f'in" was an abbreviation for "frickin". Yep ... "frickin" .... sure was.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Breakfast of champions

So sometimes being single ain't ALL bad. Take for instance .... breakfast choices.

Say, for instance (and this is just random outta the air), I chose to have brownies and a bottled Starbuck's mocha frap. Oh, oh .... and maybe some cold pizza. *

When you're single, there is no one to grumble at you for not fixing them something they want.

There is also no one to grumble at you for not eating what they fixed for you.

Nor is there anyone to grumble at you because they had wanted to go out with you to breakfast.

And most importantly, there is no one to grumble** at you because you should be eating healthier.

Yep, you can just eat your brownies, drink your mocha and nibble that pizza all in peace.

* HEY! Yes those WERE just random examples! Yes, it could TO be just a coincidence that I actually had those available this morning. Really, I was just makin' those breakfast choices up. Uh-huh ... really. (okay, shut it!)

**and just giving you that raised eyebrow "since when are brownies on your diet?" look counts here.

Saturday, May 21, 2005


So it's a little after 6:30 on a Saturday evening ... I'm on the computer, I have my beloved kitty purring contently on my lap, I have a Costo take n' bake supreme pizza baking in the oven, I just finished baking a batch of brownies (and yes I sampled one already ... duh), I just purchased the complete series of Sex And The City so I have that to watch, I'm mid knit on a very interesting scarf .... and I can't think of any other place I'd rather be right now. Is that more good than bad? Or more bad than good?? :)

Friday, May 20, 2005

Missing wiener

hehehehe. You just can't make this stuff up folks!!! Found this on today. Check out the last quote.....

In Search of a Missing Wiener

ROCK HILL, S.C. — The owner of South Carolina eatery is looking for his 10-foot weenie.

Authorities say a sign of a giant smiling hot dog was reported missing May 10 from the Ebenezer Grill. The smiling hot dog has welcomed customers for the past 18 months, after owner Loyd Ardrey purchased it to replace the aging dog that had adorned the roof for years.

When Ardrey arrived at work early in the morning on May 10, the 30-pound aluminum sign was gone.

Authorities suspect prank-playing high school students may be behind the wiener sign disappearance. A week after the sign's disappearance, a giant pig that sits front of Bucko's Restaurant on was dragged and taken to a local high school.

York County police said students at Rock Hill High School had been identified as the culprits in the pig theft case. Stealing the fiberglass pig could be considered grand larceny, which is a felony punishable with a sentence of up to 10 years. But police say the pig theft suspects who have not been publicly identified because they are minors will only have to pay for damages.

Meanwhile, Ardey is considering buying another sign for his restaurant. But he'd rather have his sign returned.

"I just want my weenie back," Ardrey said in reports.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

While on the subject of men...

I just received an email from a gent interested in getting to know me better (yes, that is very nice). But help me with this one, would ya folks ... cuz he has me a little confused.

First off ... his moniker is blessedbyjesus* (pretty straightforward, dontcha think?!).

Then here are some direct quotes:

I also am committed to my church and God. I belong to a Messianic church. That's where Jews and Christians worship together.

I read portions of my bible everyday

Yes, I attend church.

No, I'm not religious.

Huh? Say again? You're not WHAT?! Ah, I heard you correctly. You said you're "not religious". Okay. And you have what?... a BRIDGE you want to sell me?! FAB ... I'm in.

*altered to protect the innocent

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Am I too picky? .....

...when it comes to men ..... or does anyone else think the pickings are slim??

Here's a little sampling of just the titles of some very recent Men Seeking Women posts to help you decide. (this is taken from Craigslist. So to those of you reading this that don't know me ... I'm a Craigslist fanatic! That site cracks me up! So if you continue to read this blog you'll be hearing "from Craigslist" quite a bit!)

Rich N'Sexy Boy-Friend Looking ($M4W18-39) [yes, his post DOES indicate he's willing to pay (ie "Extremely generous benefit$ ") ... for being "well cared for romantically in return"
. So unless I'm misinterpreting things here .... we're talking "hooker"]

["platonic"?? At least with the first guy I was going to get laid]

Nice Guy Looking For Meaningful Weekend Flings - 34 ["meaningful" and "fling" .... that just confuses me]

are you a Busty Buxom Princess – 31 [I love that this guy said "good conversation skills are a must" in his post. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA. Boobs don't talk, buddy!]

CEO prince seeks Princess no experience nessesary.. hury baby - m4w - - 32
[demanding AND "edjukatd" (did he seriously say "CEO"?? argh!)]

Herpes + Freckles + Hotubbing in the rain. - 43 [uhhhh, no]

hoping to find a descent woman - 32 [sigh]

I want a Busty girl (serious relpys only) - 31 [ah, amore!]

Doesn't get out much... - 19 [Great. Best to put your best foot forward when trying to find Ms Right, I say]

I wont stare at your boobs - 44 [Help me, people!]

So you see?... is it just ME being picky or is it okay that none of these ads appeal to me? (well, the first one did but he said he was looking for someone without an "attitude problem". Damn! Rules me out for sure!!!

I mean, I DIDDDD find one I liked. Check out the title of his post:

Round Two! er....five. whatever. - 23

I think it shows humor. And it's spelled correctly. And there is even a smattering of punctuation thrown in. (have my standards gotten TOO low?? Anyway, the post was cute and the pic even cuter *wolf whistle*.......

But alas, he's only 23. So now maybe I'm not only picky ... but I'm a picky dirty older woman????!! (I just can't win, I tell ya!


Okay, the slug trap simply isn't working. I checked again this morning ...... BUPKUS!! Well, not really "bupkus" because there was ONE slug still slurping away. (I'm assuming he didn't get the memo about "last call" being prior to daylight. He will now have 6 months to ponder this oversight as he makes his way back from the hedge!)

Now, one of my kitties (the good one) is on meds (she's 15 years old and has a liver disease). The vet just upped her meds last week and I noticed she's a bit under the weather this week. She's been a bit lethargic and vomitting and just "blah" in general. So I have a call into the vet. But now I'm wondering ... hmmmm, is she under the weather from the meds .... OR .... simply hungover from drinking the beer in the slug trap??? I DID notice a slight stagger yesterday eve but I was thinking maybe she got up too quickly and had a head rush!!! Damn pets! Now how would I explain "drunken kitty" to the vet?!! ESPECIALLY one that already has liver issues. Bad kitty mom

Tuesday, May 17, 2005


Is it wrong that I assumed the "under beer slitherer" was a boy slug???? :)

Damn slugs!!

Okay, so I like to garden. I enjoy the planting, the nurturing, the watching things grow, the beauty in the colors and scents. I do not, however, like the slugs (or the lawn with its constant required mowing and its DANDELIONS (arghhhhhhhhh!).... but I'll leave the lawn for a future rant) that comes with my garden.

Now, in general, I don't like to kill things. In fact, I don't REALLY want to kill the slugs. I just don't want them killing all my pretty (and sometimes expensive) plants. Yet, trying to reason with the slugs has not helped. Nor do they appear to be intimidated by my yelling and shaking a finger at them (go figure!). I've even resorted to taking the few I've seen actively munching on my plants and tossing them into the hedge at the back of my property. They can munch that hedge .... that thing is GIGANTIC ... it would take bazillions of them hundreds of years to kill it (okay, okay ... I may be exaggerating a WEE bit ... but really .... at least 50 years!). And if they didn't like the hedge I figure it would take said slug at least 6 months (at 0.00000004 miles per hour) to make it back to their favorite plants in my garden area and thus my plants would flourish this summer and I'd get to enjoy their beauty and the slugs can have them during the winter.

But yet .... the slugs are wiley creatures (you didn't know that, did ya?) and seem to hide during daylight hours and only come out once I'm comfortably ensconsced in comfy clothes and loathe to venture out into the damp, cool night. (the bastards!!) SO, I've browsed the web for anti-slug information and found many poisons I can buy to put down. But poisoning seems really cruel and plus I have cats that I would be concerned may be affected by it. Interestingly enough, I have also found a couple of sites that say placing beer into pie tins and setting in the garden will kill slugs. Now I'm thinking that death by beer drowning doesn't sound quite as cruel as death by poison. SOOO ... I finally tracked down expendable pie tins and expendable beer (shush to all you beer lovers screaming that NO beer is expendable) and set my cruel beer trap (mwahhhahahahahahahaaaa) this past Sunday night. Last night, even though a little leery of peering into said pie tin and seeing a mess of slug corpses, I took a peek and lo and behold many slugs. Yet ... not quite in the throws of death or decomposition as I had expected. In fact, were they REALLY hanging their wee heads over the rim and sucking down the beer?? I'm telling you ... instead of killing slugs I was apparently throwing a kegger! These guys were partying down like there was no tomorrow!! Disheartened ... I wandered over to check a few plants and when I came back I noticed that one slug had ventured INTO the pie tin. Ah ha ... I thought. Here we go. The sucker is dead. One down ... 5 million to go. But wait ... he's still MOVING. Yes, as I watched, he successfully slithered from one side of the pie tin .... completely UNDER the beer .... to the other side of the pie tin and back up the rim. If he had arms he'd a been high fiving the other slugs I'm sure. (it had to be a dare as in "hey fred, I dare you to slither the whole length of this thing ") Unbelievable. So this morning I ventured out and as I expected not a slug to be seen ... just little slug trails (albeit not very straight) from the rim of the tin off into the underbrush. Sigh. Damn drunken slugs!

Monday, May 16, 2005

I'm a sheep!!?!!

Yep, that's right folks .... I'm a sheep. That's what my Chinese zodiac sign is listed as at any rate. A sheep! Great! Something I've always aspired to Say it with me folks .... "baaaaaaaaaaaaa". Sigh.

Why couldn't I be a Tiger? Or a Dragon? Don't those sound a lot more impressive than "Sheep"?? A sheep just sounds sort of .... oh, I don't know ... dumb? ..uninspiring?.... lazy? I mean, I'm not knocking sheeps in general .... god bless their woolly little hides I say .... but I just think it would be MUCH cooler to be associated with say a tiger, that's all! (so all you folks from the Sheep Lovers Association (hmmm, that title could have several meanings so let me think up another fake association name ... oh, okay ... the "Sheep Supporters Association" ... how's that?!) take your fingers off the keys and step awayyy from the keyboard ... I don't want scathing comments to this post on the wondrous nature of the sheep! This is all meant in fun!) Right?! Because doesn't the image of a tiger make you think strong, capable, mysterious, beautiful, etc? Whereas the image of a sheep ...... well ......... not so much. Sigh. "Baaaaaaaaaaa"

Ah well .... I guess it's better than being a "Rat"! :)