Friday, September 29, 2006

Dear Bill Gates

Will you loan me 20 million dollars? Pretty please ... with cherries on top??

I know it sounds like a lot .... but that seems to be the going rate for a ride to the space station nowadays. And I really want to be a space tourist too!

Perhaps you read the blog set up by Anousheh Ansari which details her recent jaunt to the space station!?! Some pretty interesting stuff from a layman's view (astronauts tend to keep it pretty formal) with regard to real life up there (ie how DO you wash your hair, anyway??)

Anyway, I would love love love to get a chance to be in space! How amazing to see the earth from up above!

So if you could loan me the $20 million ... I'd really appreciate it! Just drop me a line at the email listed on this blog and we'll set it up!

Okay, great ... thanks!

The Next Space Tourist

But uhhhhhh, ..... we'd probably need to set the loan repayments to be about $20 a month. Hope that's okay! I'm good for it .... I SWEAR! :)

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Now that I'm not shopping Craigslist for furniture....

... I can get back to shopping it for men!! :) Or at least back to laughing at the patheticness of most of the personal ads on there.

Like this one:

Moderately fat broke pig looking for Sugar Momma - 40

Doesn't that make you want to grab up your keyboard and type him a loving reply?? Yeah, me neither. What's he thinking??

I don't deserve a good title. - 30

Reply to:
Date: 2006-09-27, 9:55AM PDT

I was going to post an ad saying. How I would like to meet a gal to go out and occaisionaly do things with.
But I came to the realization that I am the biggest loser on the planet.

[hello! Someone hand me my frickin' violin!!!! SHEESH!]

ISO -- Conjugal Companion - 37 (North Coast)

[uh, dude. Perhaps you'd like to relocate this ad into the "Casual Encounter" area. Because, that's what that is....]

single dude with crappy attitude - 27

[yeah, like you're not a dime a dozen. Hell, I think I've got a couple of you where I work!]

Sugar MAMA wanted - 55

[ANOTHER one! What's up with that? And it's not like he's a 22 year old that can at least offer up a fabulous young, lean, hard, ...... wait, where was I?? ... oh yeah, body. Sheesh!]

Im looking for a girl who wants to move in with me

[desperate much?!]


[yeah, gotta love this guy. He's looking for someone to run a pot farm with him. Uhhhh ... NO.]

And my favorite:

Start backwards - 28 [intriguing title, right?!)

Reply to:
Date: 2006-09-28, 10:25AM PDT

I like to start backwards with my relationships. Instead of getting to know someone really well before we have sex. I like to have sex then get to know someone [ah, nice. Just another casual encounter ad]. I figure if the sex is not good for both the relationship will not go very far [hmmm. Apparently you've never heard the term "making love" before?]. Any ladies out there want to possible have some good sex and then take if from there send me a pic. If I like I will send you one in return. Worst thing that can happen is we get to gether have sex and then never talk again. Doen't sound that bad. Happy hunting.


And there you have it. Still a ton of losers out there. BUT ..... while trolling for blog fodder, I DID find one ad that actually intrigued me (holy cow, right?). And so with no expectations I replied. I actually just offered up a concert buddy. We'll see what he says. Wish me much sex ..... errr, I mean "LUCK"! Wish. me. much. LUCK! ;)

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Singlehood - The good and the bad

So I've been lamenting my singlehood lately, what with being sick and all. It has SUCKED not having anyone to cater to me while I've been laid up on the couch hacking up a lung and waiting to die. It's just not right having to drag yourself out late at night to purchase the much needed Nyquil to get you through the night. Shouldn't someone be there to do that for you so you can wallow in peace??!

Yeah, I think so too. :)

Someone should also be around to keep you from having to drag yourself out two days later to purchase something .... nay anything ... to eat. What with cupboards being bare and all since the cats seem to be too lazy to learn how to shop for groceries on their own.

So I've been grumbling and feeling a little down. As well as been continuing to cough up a lung or two while sniffling my way through the day (might I just insert here that COMTREX SUCKS! 'Nuff said)

But my attitude regarding singlehood has been brought back to reality this morning while listening to a local radio station on my way into work. The djs invited listeners to call up with reasons why they may have been "in the dog house" (ie in trouble) in the past with their significant others.

Now my commute is fairly minimal now with the new location of my condo and all (yay!!!). And so I only heard two listeners. But MAN .... did those two calls put the fear of relationships back into me. Let me tell you.

Here's why:

Caller #1 said that she got into trouble with her spouse because she liked to spend their hard earned money on gambling. The djs asked how much she lost. She said $10,000! I about had a heart attack. Uhhhh yeah! I'da killed my spouse for losing $10,000 bucks gambling!! HOLY COW!!!! This listener said it did almost cost her the marriage but that she has sought help and things were getting back on track (just not the race track, I'm assumin'!)

Holy bejeezus.

Then came Caller #2: She said that she also got into trouble with her spouse for spending money she shouldn't have. I guess she took the RENT MONEY (she specifically said "rent money") and spent it on a spa day. Ya know, massage, manicure, etc. (my immediate thought was: "crap, can't return THAT for a refund!!!"). And then she had the gall to giggle about how stressed out and "dramatic" her husband got because he was concerned about how they were going to pay the bills. Ya know, to keep from getting kicked out on the street. This chick I about bitch-slapped! How the HELL does a relationship get to the point where you can't even work as a team with regard to something as simple as "this is the money allotted for the rent. This NEEDS to be here.". HOLY COW. That's Paying The Bills 101. Man oh man.

So yeah, singlehood definitely has some downsides. But it has some upsides too. Because I am SO happy not to have to worry about someone else f'in up my finances anymore. So, SO happy.

So for now, until Mr Right (who needs to be a.k.a "Mr Fiscally Responsible" apparently ;)) comes along, I'm working on training the cats with regard to that whole "grocery shopping while mama's sick" thing. It's not going well so far. For some reason they keep interpreting everything on the list to be "raw meat". Not good. :)

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

I don't see dead people!

Thank goodness!

Though I did feel like dead people all weekend. And yesterday.

And today, come to think of it.

Because I caught The Cold From Hell. Today I am back at work but it is wavering on becoming The End of The Cold From Hell Plus Potential Stomach Flu. Good times, people. Good times.

But anyway, back to the dead people.

So on Friday night I took a tour of Portland's Shanghai Tunnels. Anyone ever heard of those? Apparently Portland was the Shanghai capitol of the world back in the late 1800 and up until as recently as 1941!! There are many underground tunnels intertwined under the city in which many an unsuspecting drunken man or unescorted woman would be captured and sold into slavery back in the day. The men sold to ship captains for a period of 3 to 6 years and the women sold into prostitution ... never to return.

Pretty freaky, right?

The tour begins at a local Portland tavern called Hobo's.

The guide takes you down into the tunnels through a grate in the sidewalk right outside the tavern:

One of the first rooms you see is what used to be an opium den:

Into another room you find the remnants of cells which held the captured men until a ship captain came to purchase them. The room was spooky. Very, very low light. Low ceiling. And barely a grate to see into another room nearby. Not a pleasant place to be, that's for dang sure. And though immediately overhead is a tavern, apparently back then the barkeeps were "paid" not to hear any cries for help. Yuck.

Plus nearby, a pile of discarded boots remained. The shanghaiers de-booted the captives and had the cells surrounded by broken glass so that in case of any escape, the escapee could easily be tracked by the trail of blood. And hence recaptured.

Some of the men were originally captured with the assistance of a barkeep. The barkeep could release a trapdoor (called a deadfall) so his prey would drop through into the tunnels below and into the waiting arms of the shanghaiers.

A re-enactment

The women who were captured by the white slavers were thrown into a tiny wooden room and kept in complete darkness until they "broke" and could then be shipped to another state and used for prostitution. The guide says that he was told it took no more than 48 hours to "break" a woman .... though he said he interviewed one famous white slaver who boasted that it took him no more than 8 hours. (*shudder*)

Here's a picture of that room:

Now remember that room ... because I'll be referring to it again in a minute......

Though the history alone of Portland's Shanghai Tunnels is creepy enough in its own right .... it gets creepier. Because apparently those tunnels are known throughout the paranormal world to be the 10th most haunted place in the US!!

Our guide for the night warned that, though he doesn't believe in ghosts per se, he does believe in the "history of this place". And that many tourists have reported many of the same experiences over the years.

In other words, at certain points of the tour, one or two folks in the group may comment about a certain hint of perfume. And each identify the perfume to be the same well known brand.

Or perhaps folks might say they saw an apparition. Only over the years, people give the same descriptions of the apparitions!!

So I was VERY happy that I was not one of the folks that saw any of the dead people.

BUT ..... apparently someone in our group did!!!!

He had his shoulder tapped by NO-ONE (*heebie jeebie shudder*) and when he looked over a door opened by itself and he saw the ghost of a woman slumped over in the chair in that room I showed you above. Another guy was with him at the time and saw that part too.

The guy that got his shoulder tapped seemed to take it very calmly. Very calmly indeed. Most folks didn't even know it had occurred.

Which WOULD NOT have been the case had I been the one to have my shoulder tapped and to see that. I guaran-f'in-tee you that!!! You can bet there would have been a flood of VERY LOUD "motherf'ing bleepety bleep bleep bleeps" come flying outta my mouth had that happened to me!!! And I certainly would not have just casually continued on that tour. Nosireebob. That guide would have needed to get my ass back up to the street ... and pronto! Is all I'm sayin! Because that's just C-R-E-E-P-Y!

And it was weird because at the end of the tour I happened to be standing near the guide as he was speaking to another volunteer there. And I guess they were trying to figure out which ghost this guy had seen. The volunteer thought it might be "Jenny" but the guide said "no, Jenny is very pretty and wears black. I think this guy was describing her friend.". Yeah, HELLO. That's just too frickin' weird for me, folks. These folks KNOW the ghosts and discuss them just like it's nothing. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Guess where I WON'T be going back to anytime soon? Anyone?? Anyone?? Yeah, especially now that the start of fall through the end of December seems to be the time of the most paranormal experiences there. So says the guide. Who has names for the ghosts. Uh yeah.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Hi! I'm 12!

So I took a historical walk on Saturday ..... errr, not that my walk will be remembered historically .... just that I signed up for a walk put on by the City of Portland which pointed out buildings of historical significance. Y'all know.

And on this walk through Portland's Hollywood District, I came upon this........

Now, do y'all think these home owners were trying to trim their bush (heh) to look like a mushroom?? Or say, something a tad more amusing to those of us with the mentality of a 12 year old boy? Just askin'. Because ... I'm not seeing "mushroom".

Monday, September 18, 2006

Ebay, here I come!

This Saturday I spent the day volunteering at a silent auction/classical concert charity event held that night for a 4 year old girl I know that desperately needs a kidney transplant. I helped out with organizing the donations prior to the event and also in setting up and running the silent auction during the event.

Now, for all y'all who don't know, a "silent auction" is an auction in which all the items are laid out on tables with bid sheets next to them. You bid by writing down the amount you'd like to bid on the sheet along with your bidder number (as opposed to your name ...... this keeps the bidding anonymous). During the auction you may see that someone has come along and outbid you on an item and you have the opportunity to keep rebidding ..... up until the auction closes.

So originally we, "The Donation Organizing Committee", decided that the minimum starting bid on items would be set at 40% of the suggested retail value (which was given to us by the donor of the item). However, during setup, some of those numbers were rethought and I went around slashing prices, to better ensure that everything was auctioned off.

I did the same thing during the auction. If I noticed that an item wasn't getting any bids, I'd slash the starting minimum bid even lower in the hopes that the lower price would entice someone to start the bidding.

This seemed to work very well. Not only would someone bid on the item, but then generally others would start bidding on it as well.

Towards the end of the auction, there were maybe two items which didn't have any bids at all. One of the items was a bronze statue from India. The suggested market value was $375 because it was a one-of-a-kinda "lost wax" type of statue. The other item I believe was a month's worth of Aikido lessons for a child.

Being that my buying the Aikido lessons was pointless, what with no children and all, I thought maybe I could start the bidding on the statue. But I was torn between thinking it was ugly and thinking it was something I could make work in my decor*. Anyway, so with the minimum bid already set to a low $40, I entered my bidding number, and hoped that the bidding would begin.

Uh yeah.

Y'all, meet My New Statue. Statue, meet y'all...........

Now I'm not quite sure what this statue symbolizes. Does anyone know? It's not the Hindu God of Fertility or some such thing is it???!!!!!!! Because if it is ... it will need to go! :)

*does that imply my decor is ugly?? :)

Thursday, September 14, 2006

They ain't joking when they said "BRIGHT"!!

Holy crap! There should have been a warning to put on your sunglasses before clicking on this Craigslist ad for this couch and chair. Or at least to break out a piece of cardboard with a pinhole in the middle. Cuz uhhhhh ..... HOLY COW! I think I'm seeing spots! (The bright yellow walls they have going on in there aren't helping to tone it down, that's for dang sure!!)


This is an awesome colbalt blue loveseat and couch. The set includes a matching rocking chair that is SUPER comfy. There are also 4 matching throw pillows. This set is really super cool. We get tons of compliments and love the set. We are just changing the theme of this room. I will entertain any offers. Price is negotiable.

This item has been posted by-owner.
this is in or around Gresham/Portland
no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

I miss my sportscar

So I was returning from running errands at lunch and needed to turn left across a very busy street in order to get back to the office. I was sitting in the middle lane reserved for making hair-raising turns onto and off-of this Chaotic Road of Death (my name for it) waiting for traffic to clear enough for me to make the turn.

So I'm waiting .... and I'm waiting ... for the current group of cars to pass ..... and I look up and see a loooooooonnnnnnngggg line of Group #2 folks following along immediately behind this Group #1 of cars. So I knew I was in for a much longer wait.


I saw one car in the far right lane (there were two lanes of opposing traffic I needed to cross), the leader of Group #2, with a small gap in front of it. And this said car was not what one would label Mr Speed Demon. The gap was pretty small but I thought "f this, I'm goin' for it".

So as soon as the end car of Group #1 passed I popped the clutch, hit the accelerator and turned the steering wheel. Because I drive a sports car and it's zippy like that and this won't be a problem at all.

Uh yeah.

About half a second later I remember that I no longer drive a sports car . I now drive a small SUV. The sportscar would react immediately to my every command with much gumption and enthusiasm. Barely had to take any pressure off the clutch and just tap the accelerator and the car would be in motion. Quick motion.

With the SUV ... not so much. The SUV likes to let me practically step OFF the clutch before it notices. And then kinda likes to think whether or not it wants to go*. And so, about halfway through the first lane I needed to cross, I thought "shit ... I ain't gonna make it!".

But I did. (haha ... y'all thought I was going to say I got in another car accident, didn't ya?? :))

But I BARELY made it. Which sucked. I mean, Mr Slow Poke may or may not have had even to step off the accelerator to slow down. I know it wasn't close enough for him to have had to hit the brakes.

But had I been in the sports car, he may not have even SEEN me as I whizzed by faster than lightening.

Which is the point of this story. That I miss my zippy sportscar. And that perhaps I need to learn that I no longer drive that. Ya know, so I don't get myself killed.

Sigh. Ah well, at least now with my mini-SUV I can haul a ton o' shit. Ikea trip, anyone?? :)

*this is actually a fairly sporty SUV and most people would think it was pretty peppy. But Most People just didn't spend the last 5 years driving a sports car and so don't have the comparison. Just gripin' is all. ;)

Friday, September 08, 2006

If you knit it, and then write about it, they will come

Which is why I was mega-confused as to why Powell's decided to have The Yarn Harlot's book signing last night at such a tiny venue. I mean, I showed up half hour early and it was standing room only already. See?

By the time The Harlot came out, there were knitters galore standing in amongst the rows of books unable to see anything but the two feet surrounding them.

I, being that my middle name is "Wiley", had meanwhile meandered in, around, and amongst the maze of people, bookrows and knick knacks until I discovered a little alcove which brought me to an empty spot not 5 feet from where Stephanie would be speaking. I ALSO found a tiny step stool and used that as my chair. Which gave me an excellent spot from which to wait and then to watch. See? Here's my view......

Pretty dang sweet, right?! :)

And here is Stephanie taking her infamous sock pictures .... the sock I was working on pictured in the foreground.

Please notice that there are FIVE needles in this picture. But when I got home ... only four remained! I have lost my first knitting needle! WAHHHHH!

Sitting in front of me ... the cutest.knitter.ever! I'm thinkin' she's about 4. Look at that concentration! She'll be showing me up in ...... well, probably two weeks! She was already goin' pretty good.

And last but not least, the second cutest knitter ever ... with the harlot. (hmmm, now does she mean "the second cutest knitter ever with The Yarn Harlot"?? OR? Is Stephanie the "second cutest knitter ever". Hmmmmmm??? :))

Just call me "Chins"

Anyway, thanks to Stephanie for providing such a great time! She's just so down to earth and frickin' hilarious that you've just got to love her!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

You can find ANYTHING on Craigslist!!!

Y'all, I LOVE Craigslist! You can find simply anything! Check this out!


Reply to: see below
Date: 2006-09-06, 8:32AM PDT

Key features:
Adjustable feet for stability on uneven floors.
Cross brace included.

Product dimensions:
Width: 66 7/8 "
Depth: 13 "
Height: 62 1/4 "

Please call at 360-241-xxxx

Cuz that's what I'm talkin' about. There's nothing I love more than coming home after a long, difficult day at the office, changing into my old, worn pjs, grabbing up my tv remote and maybe some ice-cream (what?), and then sprawling out to relax on my bookshelf (errr, I mean "book shelve").

But do you know how difficult it is to find a comfortable one? Yeah, not so easy. Which makes this "very comfortable" one for only $69 a screamin' deal, I'm thinkin'!


Friday, September 01, 2006

I'm ready for my closeup, General Mills.

So there is something about Honey Nut Cheerios that CJ can NOT get enough of.

Back when she was a youngster, she'd come staggering out every morning, still groggily wiping morning sleep from her eyes, as soon as she heard me pour my bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. And we would sit and share and life was good. (this was obviously pre-kitty-liver-disease-diagnosis)

But I've not had HNC for years and years. Just happened to get the hankering the other day.

But, apparently, CJ has not forgotten them. Because one whiff and she was on me like flies on poop!

Just look at this pupil-dilated, hypnotic stare into the bowl*. You can just feel her willing that last cheerio to leap into her mouth.

"Come to me, you little honeyed tidbit of goodness"

And normally CJ abides by the rules. Ya know, the "no taking food not offered" rule. She can stare at me. She can stare at the food. She can even reach her paw out to cutely remind me that she'd like something. But there is NO taking the food off of my plate. Or outta my bowl.

Uh yeah.

Apparently, that rule goes right out the window when HNCs are involved. Because I turn my head for one minute and.........

Bad kitty.

And then, and THEN ... she had the audacity to give me the "what? I didn't do nuthin'" look.

Which may have been more effective without the incriminating evidence on her face.

Yeah, bad, bad kitty.

"Hello, my name is CJ and I'm a HoneyNutCheeri-aholic"

General Mills ... I'm thinkin' commercial**. Give me a call!

*I love this picture!
** yeah, I'm pimpin' out my cat! What of it?? :)