So I spot an article on MSN on How to Outwit a Food Craving and think "Brilliant! FINALLY the answer to all that is evil! I'll be thin in NO TIME"! Right? Right. And so I read.
APPARENTLY, the "how to" boils down to "next time you get a sudden urge to dive into junk food, just hold off for a few minutes". Uh-huh. Boy ... now isn't that brilliant advice! That ranks right up there with "eat right and exercise". Thanks Catherine Winters ... that's sheer brilliance. What's that? Oh, there's more ... you're going to go a bit more in depth?! Okay, I'll give this a gander. Whatcha got?
"Food cravings come on suddenly and are tough to resist. Before you know it, you're ripping open a bag of chips or inhaling a pint of double chocolate fudge ice cream" [or downing a pan of brownies. Ohhh ... wait ... brownies ... don't I have some of those left?! I really think I do. Sitting right out there in the kitchen! SWEET! Be right back......].
"But researchers who study cravings know that the urges last only five to 10 minutes, a short enough time to just ride them out -- if you have the right tools." [See? Now where were the tools when I needed them? Should start the article with those ... maybe I wouldn't be licking brownie crumbs off the keyboard right about now!]
"Experts call this 'urge surfing.' 'Urges are like waves,' explains psychologist Kelly Brownell, PhD, director of the Yale Center for Eating and Weight Disorders, in New Haven, Connecticut. They start out small, gain in strength, crest, and then subside. 'By staying strong through the peak, you can sometimes outlast it,' he adds.
["sometimes outlast it"?? Sometimes?? that's not good enough Dr Brownell. And what "peak"?? You mean the urges get stronger after that first inkling that I always give into?! Geee ... how would people get through that???]
"Here, some strategies to help you:" [FINALLY!]
"Tackle the emotions behind your food frenzies. Stress, depression, anxiety, loneliness, and anger can all trigger a craving." [Hmmm. And how about boredom or uh hunger? OR ... even happiness? I mean, can't a person be giddy happy and enjoy sharing a sundae with the one they love?? (mmmmm, hot fudge sundae. Do I have any ice-cream?? Damn it ... no I don't. Sigh. Okay, I can do this. Must outlast ice-cream craving...)]
"Think alternative foods." [okay. An alternative to ice cream would be ... uhhhh .... cake? (nope, don't have any of that). Cookies? (nope). Doritos? (nope). Candy? ... why YES I do!! (sweet ... be right back!)]
[geee, I'm not finding this very helpful so far!]
"Try to figure out why you have the craving. If you always long for a cream-filled glazed doughnut [mmmmm ... cream filled donut!] at 11 a.m., maybe you need a more substantial breakfast than a muffin [mmmm, muffin]" [I KNOW WHY I'm having the cravings, dang you! It's because you (the article) keep mentioning all this yummy food! Had I not read this article ... I'm fairly certain I would have had some pre-roasted chicken (thanks Costco) and some veggies for dinner. Instead ... with this article's mention of very cravable foods ... I have had brownies and jelly beans! What the F? You suck, Catherine Winters!]