Friday, June 03, 2005

I'm destined to be single forever

Because really .... this is what is out there and I'm not being too picky! I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!!! (insert stomp of foot!) :)

Okay, check out this first guy. AKA The Freeloader. What the F?

I need a rent-free home - m4w - 36

Reply to:
Date: 2005-06-03, 1:12AM PDT

Put simply, I'm posting this ad with the hope that I'll be able to find someone who can provide me with a rent-free space in which I can live and work.

Although I'm not homeless, I do need a home that can better support my creative efforts. If I can find a better living arrangement, I'll be able to spend more of my time working on a project that is very important to me. It's a very lengthy project that will probably consume the remainder of my years [in other words, folks .... he wants you to support him for THE REST OF HIS LIFE!!!!!!! ARGH!]. The more time I can devote to it, the better.

I'm not mentally ill or a drug user, nor am I hiding dark secrets or running from a troubled past. This request isn't being made out of desperation; it's a practical request to solve a daunting problem: a shortage of time. Fully supporting myself is something I've done for many years, but at a great cost [yeah, like 40 hours a week ... oh my!]. Over the past couple of decades, most of my productive capacity has been sacrificed for the sake of paying rent [and the rest of us are just working for the hell of it, buddy??!]. With your generous support, I can work faster than I've ever been able to.

Tell me what you have to offer and what you expect in return, and we'll negotiate the details. Please give my request serious consideration. I need your help.

Ah. And then we have Mr Wooer. Doesn't this make you want to get to know him better??

is everyone looking a fatty? - 35

Reply to:
Date: 2005-06-02, 11:46PM PDT

I can't believe all the woman out there trying the list are fatso's. If you aren't email me.

this is in or around portland
-- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Oh, oh ... and this guy. Very seducing, dontcha think??

You must swallow my wadd every morning - 50

Yeah. But my favorite this morning .... and it's quite the read so I'll just grab some excerpts for ya (you'd thank me if you saw the whole thing!! :)) ... is the following.

What I'm looking for in a GF and who I am - 30

Reply to:
Date: 2005-06-03, 4:10AM PDT

"I'm looking for a serious relationship with a nice girl who can keep me interested with her mind" [okay, that starts out well]

"Not to sound too brash but I will know if it's going to work between us within 5 minutes of first meeting you. That doesnt mean I'm going to prejudge you" [hmmm]

"I have several years of college and I dont think I'll ever stop learning becouse I really do enjoy it." [okay, here's a learning tidbit for you then .... "don't" has an apostrophe in it and there is definitely no "o" in "because". Just a little FYI for ya]

"My ultimate goal in life is to run a factory." [I've actually never heard that for a goal before]

"I have a dream of travleing to all 7 continents but due to political, logistical and economic reasons I may not be able to set foot on all of them." [Nice to see you give up on dreams so quickly. Dude, you're
only 30!! It shouldn't be that difficult to get to 7 continents. You've already been to 2 for goodness sakes!]

"I have already been to Europe and I'm planning to go back as soon as the dollar is strong there again. If it doesnt improve anytime soon I will simply travel to Eastern Europe but it's so impovershed there I might as well go to Harlem, Watts, or the south side of Chicago for the same good time." [Really? Then why set a goal of all seven continents ... why not just set it to go to Four Corners and be done with it??]

"I am a bold and confident man with goals, desires, ambitions, plans and the intelligence plus means to acheive them." [And yet still can't put together a grammatically correct sentence]

"The human animal hasnt changed in 10,000 years and I tend to make love like a caveman." [let the wooing begin]

"When my ardor is up you know it by the look in my eye, the way I grasp you and the feel of my touch." [uhhh, I don't know about any of the other ladies out there ... but I've never had a difficult time knowing when a man's "ardor" was up]

"I will pull your hair, pick you up, grab your ankles, kiss you anywhere I want, leave hickies, penetrate you anywhere I choose, spank you so you feel it, hold you when we make love and hold you down when we fuck. I dont mean to sound cruel but I'm bigger and stronger than you and if I want to have you, I can have you when I want and we both know it." [ah, amore]

"This doesnt mean I'm not horribly romantic, almost to a fault." [HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA. Yeah.]

"I'm posting a picture of myself as well as a couple of pics of women I consider to be knockouts. I understand they arent real and are made up for their pictures but they are my type and it will help give you a visual of what i consider "ideal""

Okay, okay, okay ... now here are the two pictures of the type of women he's looking for ........

And here's HIS picture!

Say it with me folks ..... "yeahhhh, good luck with that, buddy!!!!"


d said...

Holy Crap, KAT! How do you find these morons? Please stop reading this particular vein of Craigslist ad. There's plenty of entertainment out there that won't make everyone want to jump off a bridge b/c of the HUMANITY, oh, the HUMANITY!... There are good men out there. I know it. I KNOW it. :-)

They Call Me Lizzurd said...

HAHAHA! I love your sense of humor and the way you write about finding losers like this. I'll be stopping in again.