Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Who let the crazies out? ... woof, woof, woof, woof!

Why?? Why do The Crazies always find me?! It's no good, I tell ya. Sigh.

So at lunch yesterday, I pull up to the drivethrough ATM at The Bank to get me some cashola. Only, as I'm about even with the ATM machine and just lowering my driverside window, I hear a manic yell from Some Crazy Bitch (SCB) who is on-foot to my right. She comes around the rear of my car and then comes up between me and the ATM machine I'm about to use.

I instantly think "Homeless? Going to ask for some money?" because I'd just dealt with that Sunday at Trader Joes. So I wait a minute to see what she's going to say but she simply squeezes up between my car and the ATM machine and starts using it ... never saying one word to me!!!!

Hello?!!!! WHO DOES THAT?!

No, no ... seriously! WHO?!

Cuz y'all ... I am AT the driveup ATM machine. AT IT! And close enough to it that SCB must turn sideways to navigate in between my car and the ATM machine. Which really puts her ass to my car window (I have a sports car). Uh yeah.

Combine that with the angry mutterings she had going on while using the machine and yeah......
that, my friends, is The Crazy.

So I do what any normal red-blooded woman would do when faced with The Crazy (or The Crazy's Ass ... whatever) .... I quickly (yet casually ..... because one must not make any sudden moves when dealing with The Crazies) press the button to reraise my car window while simultaneously verifying that my doors are locked. My mama did not raise no fool.

Now I figured I had two choices: 1) drive off to use the walkup ATM or 2) wait for SCB to finish with this ATM. (no, raising a ruckus with SCB did not enter my mind. You cannot win when confronting The Crazies. They are not afraid to make a scene (obviously), they will not back down, and they will, in all likelihood, be okay with killing you. I grew up in LA ... I speak from experience.)

Now, being that the walkup ATM was under construction ... and I really wanted some money ... I decided to wait out SCB to see what she would do. I felt relatively safe in the car with the motor running and my foot on the clutch ready to zip off should said Crazy Person decide to engage me. Plus, I was thinking with as cramped a quarters as she was in .... unless she pulls a weapon ... the damage to the car wouldn't be TOO bad. Not like she could total my car with little stilted punches.

Plus, I put on a little crazy myself ... ya know, a little Pre-emptive Crazy, shall we say..... to make her think twice should she consider taking me on.

What kind of Pre-emptive Crazy, do you ask? Well let me tell ya. I turned up my Taylor Hicks "Do I Make You Proud" song which was playing off his cd single I had purchased (what?) and proceeded to rock out. Because really, nothing says Crazy like an almost 40 year old* woman enthusiastically head-bopping to some blaring American Idol music. If that didn't stop SBC and make her think twice, nuthin' would .... is all I'm sayin'! :)

So she finished her transaction and turned to try to say something to me. I cracked my window, turned down the Taylor (no really ... it was that loud) and said "excuse me?". She toothlessly mumbled, "I'm sorry to be so bitchy". And left.

Now one might think she apologized because her anger dissipated once she got her cash.

Or perhaps because her meds finally kicked in.

But no. I'm telling you it's because I really scared her by unleashing my Pre-emptive Crazy. Those of you who have seen my Car Dancing and heard my Singing know what I'm talking about. Because.it.just.doesn't.get.any.scarier.than.that!!! ;)

Woof, woof! (*makes 'raise the roof' hand gestures*)



T1 said...

I think I met that lady on the max last week...

Kimbre said...

They're all the same, aren't they? The crazy, the rude, the idiots...and we are always surrounded by them.

As an almost 40 year old female myself, I salute you on playing Taylor Hicks. We almost 40 year olds have some good taste in music!

goodgirl036 said...

kimbre...love your picture...another taylor hicks over 40 fan

sis said...

I met that lady's cousin yesterday.

I was at the library talking to a co-worker about finally getting an ad in the paper about a magic show, and CRAZY stands up in the middle of the library about a foot away from me and hollars at me (good and loud so everyone can hear): MAGIC IS THE WORK OF THE DEVIL!!!!

Yikes! After I picked my jaw up off of the floor, I said, trying to soothe her because we are in the library, people, something about people having different opinions about this. Of course, I spoke slowly and softly because that is what we have to do with crazies. So then she yells: IT'S IN THE BIIIBBBLLLEEE. IT SAYS SO IN THE BIIIBBBLLLEEE!!!!!

Ok, I had my running shoes on and I was outta there. "Gotta go home now. Bye." If I'd had some Taylor Hicks music maybe I could have started bopping in the library. That might have worked. Since I didn't, I did the cut and run move.

Works every time. LOL.

T1 said...

Sis...was that the lady who was on Wife Swap? The one who is a crusader for Jesus? Who doesn't like dark-sided things?

(Am I the only one who saw this show?)

Really what you should've done is told her..."Well, I am a Satanist..." She probably would have passed out from fear. Thereby shutting her up.

The crazy I met on the Max told me she was a naturopath and was looking for a new job. But her eyes said she was a pot smoker, her teeth said she was a meth addict and her fast speech said she was a coke-head. Maybe it was only one of her personalities talking...

Kat said...

Err, T1. Is that the lady who got swapped into the home where they did some Harvest Moon party or something and she just about had a bible-thumping heart attack??(if it is the one ... I'm claiming that my guess what just a shot in the dark. Cuz I wouldn't have seen that ... nope, not I! ;))

pagan said...

My oddest, and most personally distressing, crazy-person encounter happened while entering the grocery store. Crazy Homeless Man approached me for money. Being in a generous mood, I bought him a sandwich in the store which I gave to him on my way out. CHM thanked me, then asked me for my phone number! He wanted a date!

T1 said...

Kat...yup that would be the one. The large woman with the gap in her teeth?

Because you know...if anything spells the devil its a bunch of hippies gathering around a campfire, singing and eating tofu burgers.

shannon said...

Oh man, working downtown P-town...crazies abound! And sometimes, they venture INSIDE MY STORE. Fun times.

Stick said...

Absolutely priceless. I can visualize the whole thing! Oh, the things I'd want to say to her! It's too much to deal with!!