So, this post is going to be WAYYYYYYYYY Too Much Information for most of y'all. So might I request that any person of the male persuasion move on to something else now. Oh, I know ... this year's Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition just came out, right? Why don't all you men move right on over there and "read" that instead.
Okay, great. Thank you.
So, ladies, a few weeks ago I was cajoled into attending a girls only "passion" style party. To those of you not In The Know, a "passion" style party is similar to a Tupperware party .... only substitute sex toys for kitchen gadgets.
Anyway, not in any particular NEED of any sex toys at this point in my SingleLife (before y'all get started on what a single gal MAY need .... I've made purchases at one of these parties before. I'm set. 'Nuff said. :)), I opted to go with something a bit more tame. A set of Ben-wa Balls.
Now to those of you unfamiliar with what those are, Ben-wa balls are little metal balls touted to be little exercise equipment for your hoo-ha. The party hostess described them like little weights. Supposedly if you couple these Ben-wa Balls with your Kegel exercises, you will have a very trim and toned hoo-ha. Which is great for enhanced sexual pleasure as well as avoiding future issues of urinary incontinence. And I figured since my butt and thighs were not going to be trimmed and toned any time soon ... at least my hoo-ha could be! ;)
Now, the folks at this party were pretty open, and a number of women asked questions about the Ben-wa Balls. The most important one, of course, being .... but will they get stuck up there???
The party hostess, and Woman In The Know, replied ... of course not. Then went on a long soliloquy describing their usage and how easy they were to remove, especially with gravity working on your side, blah, blah, blah.
I thought that was interesting but wasn't fully sold until she continued with.....
First off, she said, the hoo-ha will generally be fairly out of shape if you haven't been using these before, so if you are vertical and you put the BWBs in ... they will fall right on out. So she recommended starting out with only one BWB to start (right?...like you would start with lighter weights at the gym and work your way up. Made sense to me!) and for the first week do the exercises lying on your back. She recommended 10 to 15 minutes a day. After that you could progress to vertical and then eventually progress to using both BWBs.
Also, she said, once the hoo-ha was more toned, just relax to release, giving a little squat position if necessary. But truly ... with gravity, gravity, gravity ... it wasn't a problem.
Easy as pie, right??
So my BWBs arrived recently in the mail and while I was watching Mr TeeVee the other night I decided to give them a try. So I slouched down on the couch so I wouldn't be vertical, and popped one in.
I kegelled my little heart out for .... oh, about 30 seconds ... and then continued to kegel sporadically for the remainder of 5 minutes ... because I didn't want my hoo-ha to be sore and tuckered out. Or because I was bored silly. One or the other.
But regardless, after the 5 minutes I sat up straight knowing that the little BWB would slide right on out, reached down to grab it and ..... nuthin!
Okay, maybe sitting wasn't vertical enough .... so up I stood and reached down to catch ..... bupkus!
(*insert mild panic here*)
How about doing a little jig to entice that puppy out??
Nope ... still nothing.
So I went upstairs to the bathroom and got naked thinking that maybe the BWB was scared to come out with the pants and panties in view.
Did another jig .... still no joy.
(*insert not quite as mild panic here!*)
Okay, so I tried to think rationally and not start freaking out!! I took a deep breath and ran through the "good news" with regard to this event.
Like, first, thankfully I knew that I didn't have to be on an airplane bright and early the next morning so I wouldn't have to try explaining to airport security why I was setting off the metal detector!
Also, just finished with The Period so no need to shove any tampons up there in the near future.
And no boyfriend to lie to about having a headache instead of explaining that we can't have sex because I decided to insert metal balls in my hoo-ha instead.
Also on the plus side, worst case scenario was that I'd have to go to my gynecologist to have her remove it. SURELY she's dealt with stuck items in the hoo-ha before, right? Right?
Anyway, but the bottom line was ... I wanted the frickin' Ben-wa Ball out of my hoo-ha.
So again I tried the squats and the lunges and the dancing jigs. Nothing! So then I thought that maybe the BWB might not even be in my hoo-ha at all (just call me Queen of Denial-Land). I mean, maybe it had fallen out right when I put it in and was hiding out in the couch cushions and/or on the living room floor? Because really, I couldn't FEEL it and I couldn't SEE it ... so where WAS the damn thing??
So this is where my logical trouble-shooting brain really kicked in.
Step 1 - verify that the BWB is in fact IN the hoo-ha.
So I tried using a mirror. But obviously could not see anything. Well, nothing involving the BWB anyway. I certainly got an eyeful of a whole lotta stuff that thankfully men enjoy looking at but which I could do without seeing. Gah.
So next came the (*seriously, men .... stop reading*) the digital penetration. I reached down with a finger and entered said hoo-ha very slowly making sure that if the BWB was just inside that I wouldn't be shoving it up any further. But unfortunately, my kegels must have moved it up further anyway because I could JUST touch it with the very tip of my finger when fully inserted. And it felt like it was up around a little curve so there was no way it was just coming out of its own accord. This was not good, people!
Okay, but at least the verification was accomplished. Evil BWB (as I'd begun to call it) was in fact up in the hoo-ha. On to the next step.
Step 2 - get the frickin' BWB OUT!
I decided that maybe making the pee-pee would relax different muscles and the BWB would pop out. Sounds plausible, right?? Granted, the BWB would end up in the toilet, but I think at this point I had already come to the conclusion that once out, BWBs were NOT going back in. Buh-bye little Ben-wa Ball. Always happy to waste my money like that.
So I tried that. But unfortunately, the BWB had a different idea about emerging into the toilet and decided to stay hidden.
Bad, BAD Ben-wa Ball.
So I flushed the toilet, washed my hands, then tried the jig again. To no avail.
At this point I was trying to wrap my head around the thought of living with a Ben-wa Ball stuck up my hoo-ha for all of eternity. Would it be SO bad?? Maybe not. Because really, maybe I could convince the airport security people that in fact what they were detecting was a shard of metal from a bullet or something?? I could go on and on about how I stepped in front of a bullet to save a busload of kids. But the doctors couldn't remove it and that's why the metal detector was going off.
Yeah, I didn't think that would work either. Those airport security people have gotten pretty crafty. And I don't mean "crafty" in the good "yarn, Elmer's glue, and glitter" kinda way either.
So what to do? What to do??
Okay, well we all know during sex that the hoo-ha walls tend to loosen and relax. So maybe I could stretch the walls out using my finger, enough so that the BWB could fall out? Cuz right now those hoo-ha walls were clinging to the BWB like Michael Jackson clings to little boys! Anyway, I figured it was worth a shot. Because it was either that or picking up a phone to call someone to help. And I'm not quite sure how well that phone conversation would go. "Yeah, hi ... it's me .... you busy? So here's a weird question for ya ... I know a lot of kids dreamed of being astronauts or veterinarians .... you ever dream of being a gynecologist????"
I've actually had to enlist the aid of a friend before with regard to a wayward tampon. We vowed never to speak of it again. Of course, that was before blogs. (heh). (hey, in my defense ... the anonymity remains ... what with no Time, Place or Who divulged. (and it won't be divulged .... right?? right??? (this comment directed to Other Involved Party in case they ever read this post and plan to name names in the comment section!!)) :) ) Oh, and tidbit for those folks reading this and going "really?... a tampon??". Yes, a tampon. Word to the wise ... you get what you pay for. Stay away from the budget tampons ... that's all I'm sayin'.
So, back to digital penetration. So I re-inserted the finger and started pressing on all the walls in the desperate attempt to loosen their grip on their new-found friend. Which, sounds like it could be fun, right? Ya know, in that "oooh, yeah ... now a little to the left" kinda way. But no. The only thought in my head was ..... "For the love of Jebus .... I have a FRICKIN' BEN-WA BALL STUCK UP MY HOO-HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want it OUT, OUT, OUT, OUT, OUT!!!!" (or something to that effect)
But the good news is, with a little wall pressing just so .... the BWB finally started to make its way down and out.
Which left me a bit befuddled. WHY did the Ben-wa Ball get stuck?! Surely occasional (at best) kegelling couldn't have my hoo-ha so toned that BWBs stick. Perhaps my hoo-ha walls have superhuman powers I wasn't aware of? Hmmm, that's kinda a nice thought, isn't it?! "Look! ... it's a bird! It's a plane!!! No ... it's SuperHooHa!!!!!!!!!!"
Yeah, I like it. Let's go with that! :)