Merry Christmas!!

A little Christmas humor* for you. Merry Christmas, everyone!

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me

Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and......

Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells... Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells... Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...


*thanks, T2!

Happy Holidays, Everyone!!!

I'm sorry I haven't had much opportunity to blog lately. I'll get back to it. (no, no ...really! :))

I head out of town tomorrow to spend Christmas with family and probably won't get the chance to post while I'm gone so
I wanted to take this opportunity to wish each and every one of you the Happiest of Holidays*!

Be safe! Have fun! And enjoy the season!

When I get back I'll post pictures of what my "homemade" gifts to my family members were this year. I think I found a loophole and went diving on through it. I'll show you when I get back! :)

Love ya!

*see? ... I can do "politically correct"!! ;)

Holy cow .... why is this holiday season SO crazy??

I'm not sure how the other bloggers are doing it .... between holiday gatherings and holiday shopping, my blogging time has plummeted (work being unusually busy isn't helping either. Just sayin'!).

So any time I get online I usually find myself online gift shopping or gift researching. (btw, how we survived Christmas before the internet is beyond me.). Also, with such crazy going-ons in Oregon lately, I've also been obsessively checking the online news sites every 5 minutes. Apparently now is not a good time to be taking Oregon road trips and/or to climb Oregon mountains. :(

Anyway, so other than all that ...... here are a few things which have been going on lately......

We have been having some crazy weather. Thursday night we had some massive wind storms that knocked out power to about 300,000 Oregon customers. I was one of the lucky ones .... I only lost power for a few hours Thursday evening. One lady I work with is STILL without power. (ugh).

But being the resourceful knitter that I am ........

.... the Christmas knitting continued unfazed. Whoo hooo!

And then yesterday morning I found these on my windshield ........

Aren't those funky? Some kind of ice formations I'm thinkin'. Had to defrost to get them off. I can't decide if I think they are really pretty .... or kinda alien-freaky-like. :)

And even though they predicted freezing rain this morning, instead we had a beautiful sunrise. I took these pics from my condo. (you can see Mt Hood in the distance in the second one)

So while out and about Christmas shopping ... I ran across this AMAZING clearance deal. These candles were so discounted I had to pick up 10 of 'em (not):

Dear Store Employee, ... trying THINKING. Just a little bit. Clearance before and after prices should differ .... really.

Speaking of candles ... I was spoiled rotten for my birthday this year. I am very blessed with awesome people in my life .... who also happen to have awesome taste in gifts! Whoo hooo! :) I'll gradually post pics of some of my treasures when I've stopped pulling my hair out over trying to get ready for Christmas!

But I will mention the one embarrassing thing that happened with regard to my birthday .... around 4pm at work I decide to make a quick bathroom break. I walk back into the office to find everyone waiting around a cake to sing me happy birthday. I mean, I get embarrassed being the center of attention like that anyway .... but walking back into an office full of people who KNOW you are in the bathroom and are standing around WAITING for you .... yeah .... THANK GOD I was not gone for long, if you know what I mean. Oy.

Okay, so here is a picture of a reindeer cocoa thingamabobs (the official name! :)) I made up for some of my movie peeps. Aren't they cute? A little cocoa mix, some mini marshmallows, throw on some antlers, eyes and a nose ...and voila .... Rudolph's Hot Cocoa Mix.

Are y'all ready for my ghetto Christmas tree? Oh ... I don't know ... I think you might want to sit down for this one....

Okay, so this year I had a volunteer to help me get my tree. So I was excited. Because y'all heard me wanking last year about having to get my tree on my own. But before me and my volunteer could pick out a tree this year, my friend T2 and I stumbled upon this tree ....... in the Target dollar bins (you heard me) .... and I simply couldn't resist. See ... even CJ loves it!

Can you say "tickle me tacky"??

Could it BE any more ghetto?? Oh ... I don't think so! I love it!

Especially because they also had mini lights for it ... and a tree skirt with tree topper (HA!) ...and matching felted garland....

......and the tackiest Mr and Mrs Santa Clause ornaments ever!!!

Seriously ... how could I resist????? :)

And last but not least ... speaking of tacky ... I dug this Christmas decoration out of the decoration box at work. Isn't this priceless. Christmas Cacti. Just for you, Ms C!

Who knew 2006 was the year of The Tacky Christmas?? I didn't! But between my decorations at home and those at work ... and maybe those Cocoa Reindeers ..... I'm thinkin' the folks expecting gifts from me need to be Tacky Forewarned. Just sayin'! :)

It's a bird! It's a plane! .. No, it's a "sheedopilope"???

That's right, people. My stuffed sock "weiner dog" is finished!!! Whooo hooooo!

And luckily it has turned out to be decidedly less pornographic. Hallelujah!

Unfortunately, it has also turned out to be less "dog". Sigh.

I don't know what happened ... I followed all the directions, I swear!

So I'm calling it a "wiener sheedopilope". (Pronounced "/shee dough pii lope/" as opposed to "/she do pee lope/" ... just sayin'. ;))

Anyway, take a gander ..... get ready to laugh ...........here she is.....

note: antlers, nose and Christmas sock sweater just to dress it up for the holidays. And not to cover really, really bad seam sewing on my part. Nope. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!! :)

hee hee ... isn't that a riot?!!

Okay, so, if you haven't figured it out already, here's the breakdown on the "sheedopilope" name.

I've found that if you put the ears up on this "sheedopilope" you've got what looks kinda like a pig...

ears up .... "oink oink"

Now if you put the ears down and move them forward a bit .... you get a sheep...

ears forward .... "baaaaaaa"

But if you pull the ears back like so .... and squint really hard ... and maybe have ingested like five margaritas ..... you get a dog.....

ears back, you drunk .... "arf arf"??

Yeah, even drunk, calling it a "dog" is just pushing it. We might have to revamp the name to just "sheepilope"! ;)

Ah, poor T1. I actually sent that off to baby Q just yesterday.

The bad news is ... it's not really infant-safe.

But the good news is ... it's not really infant-safe.

See? ... cuz now T1 has a legitimate excuse for just chucking it!

Because I'm clinging to the hope that really ... it's the thought that counts. Right?!

Right??? :)

"It's a helluva day at sea, Sir!"*

Not only has it been a "helluva day" ... it's been a "helluva WEEK"! Holy bejebus!

Work is crazy ....

......After Work is crazy.

Crazy, crazy, crazy.

But I promise I'll get around to posting a real post soon. Must tell you about the Guns N Roses concert Monday night/Tuesday morning (uhhh yeah).

Oh, and post a picture of the finished Sock Wiener Dog! (please note that I use the term "dog" loosely)

I'm sure there is more. But for now ... I head off into a work meeting. Sigh.

But I hope y'all are having a great week! I'll be back soon, I promise!!!

*this quote is taken from which "cheesy but I can't resist watching it whenever it's on" 80's movie???

There are "fallacies" and then there are "phallicies"

And I do believe I've been surrounded by "phallicies" lately.

Take for instance this second amaryllis bulb I planted. I was going to give it away as a gift but realized I didn't feel right giving away something so pornographic to the intended recipient.

Especially now that the amaryllis has outgrown its "cramped in a box for too long" curve and is now standing fully erect (ahem).

I am, however, apparently okay with giving away porn to children. Maybe because I don't mean to.

For instance, look at this:

This is supposed to be a stuffed sock dog.

click to enlarge ... that toe line at the top just slays me!

No, really. A dog.

(it's okay, I'll wait until you finish laughing)

[*insert jeopardy timer music*]

(Done? Need a Kleenex to wipe the laughter tears? It is a knee-slapper, I'll give you that.)

I was minding my own business, happily cutting, sewing, and stuffing along just as the pattern called for ... and ended up with this spotted dick. (not to be confused with Spotted Dick).

And I know ... I know ... I hear all you potential recipients out there muttering "for the love of jebus, PLEASE don't let her be making that for my child."

Rest assured, folks, rest assured ... only one of you gets the "honor" of owning your very own Spotted Dick By Kat for your beloved child.

And that unlucky .... errr, lucky... person would be .... (*insert drum roll*) .......... T1!

HAHAHA. Sorry, chica. It's supposed to be a DOG! I SWEAR! I'm going to try sewing ears, eyes and a tail on it in the hopes that it magically transforms into a mini-Penny ..... but please don't call the cops on me if instead you find that I've shipped porn across state lines to a minor.

My intentions were good .... really! :)

Only slightly more fascinating than watching paint dry

Yep, instead of making you watch paint dry on this here blog (and don't think I haven't thought about it because ya know me and the painting), I've decided to let you watch a plant grow.

Whoo hooo! Does it GET any more exciting than this? Oh, I think not. :)

Here's the scoop.

I was raving to my friend T2 about how excited I was that a paperwhite bulb I had purchased to grow indoors but a mere couple of weeks ago has already turned into full blown paperwhites! And I am Oh So Excited because I actually grew something INDOORS. Without killing it. And it grew FAST. And I loves it. See?

(please disregard the soil on the floor. The gorgeous paperwhites had just tipped over because they have grown way too tall for this cheap-ass planter the bulb came with. So whenever the soil gets sufficiently dry ... it tips over.

On the plus side ... this is an idiot proof way for me to know when they need water! (heh))

ANYWAY, so I told T2 that I was thinking of buying an amaryllis bulb next so I could have some Amaryllis Joy to add to my Paperwhites Joy (y'all ... I REALLY need to get out more!)

So anyway, that same day she surprised me with one! (thanks T2)

And so For Your Viewing Pleasure ..... I give you (*insert drum roll please*) The Potting Of The Amaryllis Bulb. (HEY ... it was either this or a post about how sad The Kim Family Saga, which I've been on the edge of my seat following the last couple of days, turned out to be. Trust me ... this is better!)

First off ... here's the box illustrating what my bulb should flower into.

Pretty right?

And the bulb itself:

Now stay with me ... here is where it gets exciting*....

Check this out. It's the soil that came with the bulb.

Isn't that crazy?? It says you just soak it in 2 1/2 cups of water and it turns into the appropriate amount of potting soil. What will they think of next???

After 1/2 hours......

After an hour....

After an hour and a half (I think ... there may have been some TV distraction somewhere in here)...

Ta da! My potted amaryllis!

Now aren't y'all glad you stuck around for that?? Yeahhhhh, I thought so! I'm sure I'll just be overloaded with emails each day inquiring into just how tall it's grown, right?! Right! ;)

But don't you worry none ... I'll be sure to post about it. (heh). (seriously, send me a boyfriend. QUICK! :))

*okay ... "exciting" may be a relative description. :)

Rationalization at its finest

Did y'all see the article today about the man accused of being a child molester?? Yeah, he said he did it because "my wife was never home" ... because she was out playing bingo.

HA! Man, yeah, THERE'S an excuse for molesting children. "My wife was out playing bingo so I guess I'll molest a kid". Makes perfect sense to me! (NOT!).

What the hell is this world coming to when there is NO sense of personal responsibility like that?! Where someone thinks molesting a kid is okay because he's bored?!!

There IS knitting to combat boredom, ya know?! And that doesn't scar a kid for life* .... nor get your ass thrown in jail!

Sheesh a peesh.

Just sayin' is all.

*well, there is that argument that making a child wear some hideous home knit monstrosity could do it .... kinda like the polyester pants nightmares I still have. But IN GENERAL ....

Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like some pink fuzzy handcuffs!

So I spotted this sign hanging on a building and couldn't help but laugh. The sign says "Holiday Gift Headquarters".

Which ... for most stores ... like your Target or your Macy's or whathaveya ... is all good.

But this store ... Castle ... the one hanging the sign ... why Castle is a sex toy shop, folks!

That's right ... you heard me.

Now how can a sex toy shop be my "Holiday Gift Headquarters" I ask!?!?? Can you just picture me shopping there with my gift list ...... "okay, I think the leather restraint set for Uncle Tommy. And how about the nipple clamps for Aunt Jenny? Oh, oh, oh ... and definitely the wooden paddle for Grandpa Fred!"

Uhhhhh NO. That just ain't right, folks .... that just ain't right!

Y'all ... I couldn't decorate my way out of a paper bag!

It's true. BUT .... the cake still came out better than I expected.

AND ... had I not shown you the Before Picture, y'all might have thought this cake looked alright. Not "professional" mind you ... I am not THAT delusional (no, no .. REALLY :)) .... but still ... alright.

But ... when you compare it to what it is SUPPOSED to look like ... you've truly just got to slap your knee and laugh. I know I do! I snicker at it every time I see the comparison!!

Now don't get me wrong, I think I did okay with the basketweave and the rope border ... what with it being my first attempt and all.

BUT boy howdy, there is no getting around the fact that I am Flower-Making Challenged!

And also apparently Flower-Placement Challenged.

Yee doggie. What the hell happened there?? I mean, I can only blame Frosting Malfunctions so many times, ya know?! :) There comes a point when I just need to realize I won't be quitting my day job to be a professional cake decorator (not that I was considering it anyway ... just sayin' is all! :))

The cute thing is that no-one at work will cut into the cake until I do the honors. I'm wondering if I should drag it out til like 4pm to see if they manage to resist for that long?

Ah, who am I fooling ... I can't resist that long! There be cake, people! Let's eat!!!!

Thanksgiving 2006 Roundup

Hi y'all. Hope you all had a fabulous Turkey Day. I was planning on blogging while on the road ... but I never quite got around to it (as you may have noticed! :))

But I'm back now ... so let me give you a quick rundown on what went on....

I headed down to LA to be with family for Thanksgiving because my mom was going to cook her first ever turkey!

You heard me .... FIRST TURKEY. Can you believe that?? The woman is 83 years old! How she managed to avoid cooking a turkey all those years is beyond me (and kinda makes me wonder what Thanksgiving past dinners consisted of! :)). But at the same time ... ya gotta give her props - that's got to take talent avoiding that chore for 83 years, dontcha think?!

Anyway, she did a great job! And the turkey was delicious!

My sister J and my niece and nephew were down in LA as well. So we spent some time putting together a gingerbread house! I was so excited ... I had been wanting to do this for the past couple of years but didn't have anyone to do it with (alright, alright ....I hear you cuing the violin music! Knock it off! ;)). So YAY! And just look at this masterpiece!

Isn't that cute?? Even though the curtains I put in the front window look a bit like sagging breasts (I think we did a pretty good job of hiding them behind candy at least!).

Here's the back of the house. The smiley face was my niece's idea (was to!). And that little patch of color on the bottom right ....well that would be our pond. (*snicker*).

I know, I know ... this house won't be winning any awards ... but I still like it!

I also headed out to Citiwalk with my friends V and J on Saturday night. Here are a couple of pictures for those of you unfamiliar with the area. It's a little outdoor mall area right outside of Universal Studios. It has restaurants, shops, a movie theater, and lots of neon! ;)

And I hope you appreciate those pictures. I kept embarrassing V every time I took one. Hee hee. One of the joys of not living there anymore......being able to embarrass my friends with my Touristy Ways! :) (btw, J ... you handled it very well! Thank you! I'll be sure to send you that picture of you pointing out the Citiwalk sign. Too cute!)

We also had dinner at The Smoke House. Here's a blurb about it taken from their website:

Anybody who was "anybody" at Warner Bros. and in the entertainment industry frequently visited The Smoke House. It wasn't unusual to see Errol Flynn, Judy Garland, Milton Berle, or Robert Redford walk through the Smoke House doors and into the restaurant known for respecting their privacy. The Laugh-In show used to rent the restaurant for their parties, and Jack Parr even hosted the Tonight Show from the Smoke House in 1956.

I'm not sure I would necessarily recommend this restaurant to anyone else. The food was really good ... but I've had better service at McDonalds!

And what was up with the valet assuming that the extra 30% he received when I paid for parking was a tip?! Seriously. That was the smallest bill I had and perhaps I was expecting the change. (I wasn't .... but he shouldn't have assumed anything is all I'm sayin'). Sheesh!

And finally, I couldn't help but laugh when I received my "Departure Management Card" for my United airline flight.

I'm sorry ... what's that you ask? What in the world is a "Departure Management Card"?? Why that, my friends, would appear to be the new politically correct way of saying "Boarding Pass". See?

Isn't this crazy!?!

Seriously .. .who thought up this change?? Were we offending Boarding Passes by calling them "Boarding Passes"? They were, after all, used as a pass in order to board a flight. "Departure Management Card"?? ....are you kidding me?!! Is that not the perfect example of Management overthinking things?!! Aye carumba!

That's it for now! I need to dig through my purse to find my Vehicle Activation Management Tools so that I can drive home! (heh)

Oh, and wish me luck ... tonight is my cake decorating class. I baked the cake last night and have icing and some flowers all ready for decorating it tonight. So prepare for a good laugh tomorrow ... this should be a hoot!! :)

My new favorite quote

So my friend A and I went to see Harvey Korman and Tim Conway perform on Friday night. Do y'all remember them from The Carol Burnett Show! ?!

What a hoot they are! And still going strong! YAY!

Anyway, I gleaned my new favorite quote from the show. It is ... are ya ready??...

"I'm not fat. I'm just short for my weight!"

HA! Cracks me up! And so accurate! (hey, it is!)

Anyway, I'm sure I'll be drawing on that quote quite a bit over the next month or so! Because Let The Feasting BEGIN, is all I'm sayin'!!! :)

I'm heading out of town so I've been pretty busy. But I have things to tell so I hope to get caught up on the blogging soon! But if I don't get the chance before Thursday, Happy Thanksgiving to y'all! Hope you have a great time!

"Elegant" I ain't!

So y'all didn't think I drove all the way up to Seattle for that Millionaire Mind Conference and not pop into Ikea, now did ya?!

Yeah, I didn't think so. :)

Granted, finding time to get there wasn't easy. We arrived late Thursday night and the conference kept us busy, busy each following day til late at night.

Except for Saturday night.

That day's session ended around 9pm and folks could stick around for an optional mini-session. We pondered staying for all of two seconds, until we realized that we were only about 15 minutes from Ikea and that Ikea HAD to be open later than 9pm on a Saturday night. HAD TO!

Right?

"Right", said the concierge.

Ikea was open til 10pm!!

Whoo hooo!

So we skedaddled back to our rooms knowing full well that by the time we got to Ikea we'd have MAYBE 30-40 minutes in the store.

Didn't matter though ... because 30-40 minutes of Ikea shopping is better than no Ikea shopping at all. And you can quote me on that if'n you want! ;)

So, without much time there, I was impressed that I managed to scoop up a curtain rod, hardware, two finials and a two pack of curtains, all for my master bedroom window.

AND .... just so y'all know ... they even FIT! Whoo hooo!

Of course, I knew the curtains would be extra long .... I had seen the measurements on the package ..... but I also knew that I kinda liked that Elegant Pooling Of The Curtains On The Floor look. (do y'all know the look I'm talking about?! Have you seen it in the magazines??)

Yeah, well ..... I guess in theory the Elegant Pooling idea could work. But I've found a few flaws with regard to The Elegant Pooling Of The Curtains On The Floor look at my house.

First, "elegant" is really not a word one would use to describe ANYTHING in my home. I'm not saying my stuff is "crap" ... I'm just saying it's not really "elegant".

Secondly, The Elegant Pooling Of The Curtains On The Floor look really doesn't work well on wall-to-wall carpeting. Hardwood floors, yes. Travertine tile, most definitely. Wall-to-wall carpet .... not so much.

Thirdly, none of the designer magazines shows The Elegant Pooling Of The Curtains On The Floor with the following accouterments:

I'm not really sure why that is since these "accouterments" seemed to have attached themselves to the curtains ever since I installed them. So I'm curious as to why no other Elegant Pooling Of The Curtains On The Floor has them?!

Perhaps Ikea had a special deal?

I do not know.

All I DO know is .... the look is FAR from elegant.

Especially when I come home to The Pooling "mysteriously" looking like this:

Or this:

Geeeee, I wonder where a kitty is??

Could it be, I wonder, because of things like this and this?:

Ah well, so Elegant I ain't. But at least now I can finally unpack my suitcase!

They must be joking!

So have I mentioned that I've already started the Wilton Cake Decorating Course II? No. Well, I have. :)

This is a four class course over as many weeks. But unlike Course #1, the first three classes of this one involves no cake.... just icing for practice. (my coworkers are not oh so happy)

We've had two classes so far. And in each class we've learned different types of icings (we need something called Royal Icing for most of the decorations we're learning in this course) and how to make different types of flowers.

Then when all is said and done, we bring a two-tiered oval cake to the fourth class and (supposedly) decorate it to look like THIS!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA! (*slaps knee in merriment*)

Do y'all see the rope-style borders, the fancy-schmancy basket-weave on the side, and all those flowers (and birds)???? ... yeah ... they're telling me I'm supposedly going to be able to do ALL that!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!

Yeah.

(*wipes laughter tears*)

What a riot, eh?!!

I'm surprised I actually am posting this "what it is SUPPOSED to look like" picture. Otherwise I could have just posted my finished cake pic and y'all would have been none the wiser.

But ah well. This kinda laughter is something that should be shared.

Two weeks to go to the day til I have MY cake pic ... get your Kleenex ready!

You COULD call me "Lazy"....

..... OR...... you could call me a "Good Cat Mom".

My vote is for the Good Cat Mom. (who me? ... biased?)

Even though Emma sleeping on the suitcase which I last used over a week ago (oops) is only reason #5 of why my suitcase is yet unpacked and stored away in the closet.

Reasons 1-4 perhaps all have to do with Laziness. P-e-r-h-a-p-s. :)

But really ... she loves it SOO much ... how could I possibly deny her the pleasure? (see? ... Good Cat Mom! :))

It is a Crazy World

So yesterday I was reading an article about a Los Angeles firefighter who was awarded $2.7 MILLION because some of his coworkers put dog food in his spaghetti. Yep, 2.7 MILLION DOLLARS for eating two bites of dog food (yes, he pulled The Race Card .... I'm not going there)

Then I read an article today about a man wrongfully accused of rape (he was just proved innocent via some DNA testing) who served 18 YEARS in prison and for that was awarded a paltry $450 THOUSAND!

That's right ...

- having to serve 18 YEARS of your life IN PRISON for a crime you didn't commit .... 450 THOUSAND DOLLARS.
- eating two bites of dog food and enduring some barking jests ...... 2.7 MILLION DOLLARS!
- the absurdity of our justice system ...... PRICELESS!

'Nuff said.

How to Annoy Your Cat #1

Keep taking pictures (with flash, for maximum Annoying Points) while your cat drinks water.

Especially if your cat is drinking water out of the pitcher you just filled so you could quickly water your plants. But now you must wait and wait (and wait) while your cat drinks more than her weight in water simply because, as we all know, Water In Pitcher is to Water In Cat's Drinking Bowl as Champagne is to Toilet Water. Apparently.

Please note that this "Picture Taking With Flash" Annoyance Tactic also works well on Significant Others while they are trying to sleep (what?) :)